120 Proof Ball: April 2007

The Biggest Rivalry in all of...

...

Thousand Oaks

all 4 times they tip off each season. Our friend ClipperSteve at asked us to write our take on the debacle game between two struggling local teams fighting for a playoff spot. We were going to decline in light of the fact that Thursday is a day that ends in "y" and therefore is a drinking day.

.. but what the hell.

Why not do both?

Recent History: The Clips have lost three on the bounce. The Lakers are losers of 4 out of their last 5, the only win coming agaist the Ray Allen-less Seattle Sonics.

This has all the makings of a snoozer. Have two teams ever combined for fewer than 100 points in a game? Only an idiot would have bet the Over on this one.

Which brings me to this exchange I had with Todd earlier.

Todd: You want the Over or Under?
TTG: What's the line?

Todd: 197
TTG: Over!

Surpisingly, I'm only now working on my first double of Macallan 12.

As soon as we tip off, we're gonna do a running diary.

.. mainly because tomorrow, we'll be too hung over to remember that there even was a game.

First Quarter: Kevin Harlan, Doug Collins, and Cheryl Miller are the announcing crew. Not sure if we're happy with this yet..

.. but it beats the heck out of Ralph Lawler and Mike Smith, and whomever gets the ignominy of having to put up with Stu Lantz for an entire game.

Before Tipoff: Things aren't looking good for the Lakers. Phil Jackson is wearing a red and blue tie.

4 minutes gone: The Lakers are nothing for four from the charity stripe.

Meanwhile, Elton Brand is unstoppable. It has taken this long for the Lakers to get their first defensive stop.

Kevin Harlan just pointed out that Corey Maggette is the Michaelangelo of the NBA.

Chipping, carving, and cutting are apparently his strengths. Don't forget sculpting, Kevin.

The TNT announcing crew, in their infinite wisdom, just prognosticated that the Lakers were going to call a timeout.

This couldn't possibly have had anything to do with the fact that Phil Jackson just walked onto the court, could it have now?

5:45 left: Smush Parker just passed up an open three pointer. I'm not sure if I imagined Phil Jackson yelling, "I'm gonna kill you!

"

4:40 left: The Clippers are 11 for 12 from the floor and Doug Collins just came up with the gem, "The Lakers aren't playing very good defense." Nice detective work, Captain Obvious.

3:00 left: The Lakers are getting thoroughly outplayed and are down by nine.

I just came up with the astute observation that I didn't bring enough scotch.

Todd just told me I am recording more Laker stuff than Clipper stuff. My response, "I bought the recorder.

"

1:30 left: Doug Collins just imparted the wisdom on us that the Lakers and Clippers play in the same building. Thanks, Doug!!

!

Tim Thomas just checked in and missed a 4 footer. Todd very intelligently pointed out that Thomas has great trouble finishing from inside 25 feet.

End of quarter: The Clips have clearly been the better team but only lead by five. Something isn't right here.

Second Quarter: Todd threatens to kill me if I make this a Laker homer article.

...

10:30 left: Phil Jackson just did the two-pinky whistle. All he said afterward was, "Kobe!"

10:00 left: The Clips dust off old Sam Cassell, and the Lakers respond with bringing on Vladimir "Half Pipe" Radmanovic.

He's wearing some kind of under armor that in no subtle way resembles snow gear. Not sure if this will be interesting or not..

.

Todd just made a very good observation. The Lakers are now leading by six, somehow, and their offense seems to be, "Throw it to whomever Sam Cassell is guarding.

"

How is it that Elton Brand was completely unstoppable in the first few minutes of the first quarter and his name hasn't been called for the last ten minutes.

Ronny Turiaf has been the primary defender on Elton Brand for most of this quarter. If he lacks anything resembling skill, you gotta say that he fights for every rebound like Homer Simpson for the last donut.

3:00 left: Todd just refused to pour me a refill on my rum and coke out of bitterness. Jerk..

.

2:00 left: Clips and Lakes have combined to go one for six from downtown. More importantly, Todd has finally agreed to refill my drink in light of the Clips making a spirited run.

Final Seconds: Corey Maggette, who shoots less than 20% from behind the arc, just drained consecutive threes. If there is a worse defensive team than the Lakers in any level above highschool, I challenge anyone to find them for me.

Halftime: Lakers lead 55-51.

I have no idea how this has happened since the Clips are playing with decidedly more spirit and effort.

Third Quarter: Right off the bat, Jason Hart drives for a layup. Jason Hart?

You have got to be kidding me.

::gunshots:: This is Todd Lerner reporting from 120 Proof. In light of the fact that Torsten the Great is slanting this too much toward the Lakers, I have decided to bust a cap in his ass.

Wait...

. he's still alive. Damn.

.. Anyway, I'm worried about Kobe having more points than minutes played.

Whatever. He can score 80 and they'll still lose.

Two and a half minutes gone: I've recovered from my wounds in time to report that Smush Parker has scored consecutive layups after consecutive steals.

Todd is holding something resembling a weapon up to his temple. I can't blame him.

Phil Jackson gets one of his many close up shots.

His soul patch is uneven and Mike Dunleavy's sunburn seems to be getting worse.

8:10 left: The Lakers have a 17 point lead. I have no idea how this has happened because at no point in this game have the Lakers looked like the better team.

Todd just punched me for typing that because he's angry. I'm still scared..

.

Cuttino Mobely just got packed by Ronny Turiaf. The lack of a foul call was questionable which brings to light something.

Is there anyone with a better combination of being a good player and not bitching about every call the refs make than Cuttino Mobely? I doubt it.

8:00 left: Smush just won a jump ball with Jason Hart.

.. and authoritatively tipped the ball to Corey Maggette.

I hate the Clippers...

Is there a better offensive rebounder in the game than Elton Brand? Doubtful. He just outjumped all five Lakers on the court, Phil Jackson, and 16 fans for a board he had no right to get.

What do the Lakers have to give up to trade for him? Todd just kicked me. Hard.

6:17 left: Kobe just got fouled hard by Rony Turiaf and somehow, Cuttino Mobley got the credit for it. Two shots. Way to go, Ronny!

!!!

We're more than half way through the 3rd quarter, and the Clips have not run a single post play for Elton Brand. Who forgot that he was practically unstoppable in the first quarter? Way to go, Dunleavy!

!!

We just realized, Chris Kaman is conspicuous by his absence.

TNT reports he has been taken for X-rays.

Todd just articulated, if the Clips don't use their obvious advantage in the post, Kobe, who already has 40 points, is going to kill them. I hope Dunleavy didn't hear that.

..

5:00 left: Clips are on a 13-2 run.

I think Dunleavy heard Todd. I'm currently pissed.

4:30 left: Kobe has outscored his teammates 46-25.

I'm worried.

Smush Parker just took no fewer than six steps without being called for travelling. Does that rule still exist?

3:00 left: The Clips have cut a 17 point deficit to 6. It almost seems like they've been toying with the Lakers. It's not like the blue and gold have anyone who can defend Brand, Maggette, and Mobley.

1:43 left: Elton Brand just made an impossible turnaround jumper over the entire Laker defense. I have absolutely no idea how this guy isn't MVP every single year.

40 sec.

left: Todd's wife just got home. We'll see if this has any effect on the game. My bet is.

.. yes.

Fourth Quarter: 46 points for Kobe. 32 for the rest of the team. Something doesn't seem positive about this.

I need another rum and coke.

Jack Nicholson and Billy Crystal just made out on camera. It isn't the booze.

They apparently have some love going on there. I don't like this one bit. This can only mean bad things for the Lakers.

Nicholson is holding a bottle of Aquafina. There has to be vodka in there. Please, God.

Tell me there's something other than H2O in there...

10 minutes left: Jordan Farmar, after hustling to grab an offensive rebound, inexpiclably tries to shoot over all five Clipper defenders and six cheerleaders. I think Summer, the one with the best rack, gets credit for the block. I'll have to check the box score later to be sure.

8 minutes left: Sam Cassell, the shortest guy on the floor not counting the refs, just got a rebound in the key. Everyone wearing a jersey should be humiliated..

.

Sasha Vujacic, who we didn't even know was in the building, just hit a three. Todd's wife just tried to stab herself in the trachea.

Good thing she tripped over an empty 40 of Miller High Life I left on the floor. That coulda been ugly..

.

We have a commercial break. Kobe says the playoffs are all about, "win or go home.

" See ya on the golf course, Kobe. The Clips are making a run.

Doug Collins just reminded us that the Lakers and Clippers play in the same @#$%ing building.

For some reason, Jack Kevorkian's work was deemed illegal. There has to be an appeals process on that. Please.

God help us. We're not bad people..

.

7:58 left: Sasha Vujacic just committed an offensive foul trying to outjump Elton Brand for an offensive rebound. Hasn't he seen that Woody Harrelson movie?

Kobe just reached 50 points for the game. Only 98 more games to go before you catch Wilt the Stilt!!

! Best of luck, douche..

.

7:30 left: Kobe just shot a 22' air ball over no defender over 5' 3".

7:10 left: Sam Cassell hits a 22 footer.

Todd was calling for Cassell's excecution about 29 minutes ago...

16 seconds have gone by and Todd is calling for Sam's excecution again.

6:30 left: Corey just attempted an ill-advised blocked shot, and as a result, may naver have children again, courtesy of a knee to the jewels by Andrew Bynum.

4:15 left: I think Todd's wife's bird just took a dump on my chest.

And the Lakers are letting it slip away. This is turning into a bad night.

3:00 left: I'm taking no responsibility for any writing from this point forward.

The Clips are locking it up and I'm pissed.

This is Todd speaking to you. Torsten is attempting suicide with a fig leaf.

My wife just threw just something at the TV because Smush Parker made a triple. I'm going to simultaneously attempt CPR and report on the game.

2:00 left: Clips are up six.

Torsten is trying to find a balcony higher than four stories to jump off of. Meanwhile, Kobe and his 50+ points are winging up shots like Torsten in a Jack Daniels distillery.

All of a sudden, Smush Parker is the Lakers' biggest contributer, not hindered by the fact that Kobe has wantonly thrown up impossible shots on four consecutive possessions.

This is Torsten speaking to you again. In light of my unsuccessful suicide attempts, I've decided to put my tail between my legs and finish up. 1 minute left and the Lakers are 4 for 21 in the fourth quarter.

Unofficially, Kobe has to have missed 16 of the 17 shots that went awry for the Lakers.

Corey Maggette just intentionally fouled Ronny Turiaf to send him to the line. To add insult to injury, he slapped Turiaf in the nipple.

How messed up is that?

Turiaf just attempted a three pointer. What.

...

.the..

...

.@#$%.

Game: Clips 118.

Lakers 110. At least I hit my Over bet.

Review: The Lakers were up by 17 in the third quarter, and still the Clips always seemed to be the better team.

((Todd is convulsing in shock right now, at my admission that the Clips are probably the better team in Southern Cali.)) Sadly for me, and happily for Todd, the season series ends and two apiece. Even more sadly for me, the Clips, and not the Lakers, will be the team that goes farther in playoffs, given the opportunity.

I will NEVER live this down. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.