The Rant Shack Easter is Cancelled. They Found the Body.

Easter is Cancelled. They Found the Body. Posted on April 8th, 2007 in Odds Ends.

They Found the Body Now after the Sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to look at the grave. And behold, a severe earthquake had occurred, for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled away the stone and sat upon it. And his appearance was like lightning, and his clothing as white as snow.

The guards shook for fear of him and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, Do not be afraid; for I know that you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified. He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said.

Come, see the place where He was lying. Go quickly and tell His disciples that He has risen from the dead; and behold, He is going ahead of you into Galilee, there you will see Him; behold, I have told you. Where you get stuck is the physical ascension to heaven, taking his bones and body with him to heaven, instead of leaving them behind on earth.

Many Christians don t take that literally, some do. That is where I think there is going to be controversy or denial or pushback or people think it is a fake or whatever they want to say. Again, we re not theologians and we re not even archeologists.

We re documentary filmmakers, so we can only report what the experts are saying. I think if you see they film and you read the book, you ll see that a very compelling case is made and it does ask many questions and many people should discuss this. For those of you who thought I came up with this title all on my own, I have to give credit where credit is due.

I was reading a copy of the Dresden files and he mentioned that he found a T-shirt that said Easter is cancelled. They found the body. It broke me up.

It was a shocked laughter but a full throated loud one. I couldn t let a great line like that go unappreciated so I titled this rant after that shirt. It s Easter and I m celebrating it the usually way with big breakfast of scrambled eggs and coffee.

If I could get a bit of chicken fried rabbit on a day like this it would be perfect. Lately, I ve spent my Easters doing what I m supposed to be doing - spending time with my wife. Think I m wrong?

Should I be in a church somewhere celebrating the perpetuation of a stolen mythology? Been there. Actually, I think that was the last time I walked into a church when it had nothing to do with a wedding or a funeral.

It was an experience that has forever scarred me and has kept me away from all organized religions. I don t remember the year. I m pretty sure I was married and it was clear that I was only there because it made my Mother-In-Law happy.

She knew we had to get to a mass before we all went to my parents the next day for dinner. That was when I learned of the tradition called Easter Vigil It was 11:PM on Holy Saturday and was the first Easter Mass of the holiday. Let me tell you, the next time I decide to do something so foolish and painful, I ll opt to have my fingernails pulled out one at a time instead.

Surely, the agony of having my nails removed is better than hearing from a longtime bit of religious dogma about someone having nails put into him. I m going to Hell for that one. What they failed to also tell me was that St.

Joseph s in the Palisades did the acknowledgement of the saints before they even began the real mass. It was an hour and a half of my life that took place at a time when I should have been sleeping. And at the end of the mass, I did not experience the rapture of the risen savior.

What I did feel was the relief of getting it over with. It was like ripping a bandaid off of one of my hairier legs - after the pain was over I was happy to get it over with. And remember, this was all before I gave up on Catholicism and Christianity.

There was a time where I observed the Christian season by viewing either Godspell, Jesus Christ Superstar, The Last Temptation of Christ, or Jesus of Nazareth (Had Mel Gibson s Passion been around then it would have been on the viewing list. Aside from me dubbing it The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre , all in all, it s a great movie.) Hell!

I even played Judas in a passion play once. Here s the point, though - what I can tell you is that any bit of joy I got from a religious Easter never came from any minute I spent in a church. For Christians and Catholics, the resurrection is what Easter is all about.

But it all has to be communicated after a huge painful sacrifice. After all, what good is a joyful resurrection without the guilt of knowing someone is doing a whole bunch of pain and sacrifice on your behalf. And it s on the off-chance that you ll eventually break one or all of the ten commandments.

So, it s best to stay with that religion because we don t want all of that suffering to go to waste. I mean, after all, he did do it all for you, ya know. Now it s time for a reality check.

What is Easter all about, huh? What do you think of when Easter rolls around? I have the image of the jelly beans, Easter Eggs, and chocolate bunnies.

The main thing is the eggs and the bunnies. That s the big poster campaign for Easter. When you mention Easter to most people, they think springtime and bunnies.

Let me ask you another question. Do you think it s any coincidence that Christmas and Easter fall on the Winter and Spring Solstices, respectively? Easter is about rebirth and screwing.

What is spring? The time of year things come back into bloom. This is the time when the earth becomes fertile again.

Spring is when a young man s thoughts turn to love. What do rabbits do? They screw and multiply.

What are eggs all about? Birth. Put it all together and let the orgy begin.

Do you think it s a coinicidence that they make a rabbit out of an aphrodisiac? I m actually waiting for the pink and purple edition of Viagra pills. I m sure Madison Avenue has a spring release prepared for 08.

I get a lot of flack from Christians about what I say in these rants and, really, it s okay. People have been taking their religions too seriously and I understand they think they have some need to do that. But, I just think it s reprehensible that someone should angrily tell me what I should think and what I should believe.

And when it comes in large numbers it just makes me turn against it with more force. Sorry, it s the way I am. Sometimes this comes out at the wrong time and place.

A guy at my current job asked me if I was a Christian and I answered no with a tone reserved for answering the question, Will you be planning to eat fecal matter tomorrow? My venom is directed at all of the religions that try to preach love and compassion while at the same time they kill people for not agreeing with them. Well, sometimes they don t kill people, sometimes they just make it harder for them to live in a job, school, or neighborhood.

Think I m making this up? Try being a Hindu, New Ager, Atheist, Buddhist, Shinto, Pagan or Muslim south of the Mason/Dixon line. Challenge a belief system like that and educated dialogue is not the first thing that springs to mind with these people.

(I exclude the Jews from this. Sometimes you can get a really good dialogue from a rabbi.) I illustrate this with the latest protest at St.

Patrick s Cathedral in New York about a chocolate sculpture of Jesus. I ran across the protesters on my way back from work earlier this week. Armed with MP3 player and vulnerable to nonsense I did my best to NOT comment to the protesters.

I m not sure if my standard Get a life came out or not. I find these people as charming as a whistling snot in a proboscus monkey. But you have to hand it to these people they certainly make the time to protest.

There s all that time and money that you have to spend making the signs and taking off from legitimate work to voice an opinion against a dessert. These are the people who have time for stuff like that and writing to the government to have warning labels placed on CD s and video games for explicit content and protesting against Anheuser-Bush against shiny candy-like labels and flavors for beer additives (No, I m not kidding. Parents are protesting by Anheuser-Bush because they tempt kids to drink.

What s next? The war against Jagerbombs and Bartles James Wine Coolers? When did it become a crime for a company to make a tasty drink for adults?

). Did they think there d be a huge outcry for more Jesus shaped candies? Is there a campaign for selling them?

I can see the comercial. A child just getting out of church biting the head of a chocolate Jesus saying to his mother, Mmmmmm mmmmmm . Keeps me coming back for more.

I really think there should be a child warning for the candy nails, though. Bite into one of those and you could lose a filling. Oh, and I mention this only in passing, I ve seen chocolate sculptures of the Hindenberg as well - complete with swastika.

No one said shit. It s amazing what people let fly. People get offended when a mythology is threatened but when candy is made to honor a nation that slaughtered 6 million Jews, well, that s okay.

When innocent young men are sent into a meaningless war only to fight others who have a different religion and ideology that, apparently, is okay, too. People support their kids for fighting despite the cause. And when the President wants to suppress coffins of the dead coming back home or doesn t speak at any funeral of the honored dead or lies about what killed a professional football player turned soldier s death, that s okay as well.

I mean, who could possibly be offended by that? Chocolate Jesus head? Give me a bite.

I m not a hypocrite. This is Easter. If it makes someone feel great because of a Bible story, that s okay.

I think people should celebrate because the weather is finally getting nicer. It s a fact that people are happier in the spring. The sun has a beneficial effect on people.

They are not happier because someone pulled a trick that Houdini s been trying to do since he died. 14/09/2005: How can two simple words cause such controversy? Easter is Cancelled.