Previously on...
The Glutton, Dalton campaigns for a 19-time Oscar loser, reveals himself to be a sci-fi dork, and admits to going to rock concerts all by himself. And now, this week on..
.The Glutton.
I became fascinated by the ''Previously on.
..'' montages that precede episodes as part of my love-to-hate relationship with The L Word.
Now, I don't have a stopwatch, but I'd venture to guess that approximately half of each hour-long L Word episode is a rehash. When you keep up on a show, these things are a colossal waste of time, but how good are these recaps at drawing in new fans? To find out, I decided to test-drive a few on programs that I had always purposely avoided.
Previously on...
Ghost Whisperer
The ''Previously on...
'' for Ghost Whisperer begins exactly how one would expect: with an unapologetic shot of Jennifer Love Hewitt's mind-numbing cleavage. (Unfortunately, gratuitous cleavage shot No. 2 is covered by a poorly timed ''available in HD'' banner, although I have no doubt whatsoever that HD and Jennifer Love Hewitt's ample bosoms go beautifully together.
) There's something about a rival ghost whisperer, but in between J. Love's twins and the appearance of Jay Mohr (he still works?), I am far too distracted to follow it.
I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter. B+
Previously on..
. America's Next Top Model
Last time I checked in on this show a few years back, some crazy woman was yelling, ''Bitch poured beer on my weave!'' so I had high hopes for this ''Previously on.
..'' Instead, all I got were fashionistas slinging slogans like ''That's easy, breezy, beautiful'' on the streets of Sydney.
Where are all the divas? The catfights? The unfounded accusations of bulimia?
These models seem way too adjusted for my taste. C-
Previously on..
. Grey's Anatomy
I always wrote off this show as a sex-obsessed soap masking itself as a serious medical drama. Let's see if the ''Previously on.
..'' can prove me wrong.
Hmmm...
well, here are two doctors (I think one is McDreamy, or McSteamy, or McSomething-Or-Other) ripping off their lab coats while getting it on in a hospital. That's followed by one of the other McStuds half-naked in bed with a woman, which is followed by Katherine Heigl and T.R.
Knight sucking face in their bed. Finally, we come full circle with McSomething-Or-Other blowing off some chick he just slept with, informing her, ''You're not my girlfriend.'' Obviously, I was mistaken.
This is a very serious medical drama. C+
Previously on..
. The Unit
This recap revolves around a guy giving a bracelet to his married girlfriend. Eventually the bracelet gets back to the husband, who must be a badass because he wears a Triumph T-shirt and beats the snot out of some bikers.
Just one question: Isn't this supposed to be, like, a military show? Shouldn't someone be rocking a little camouflage? Can I get a little ''Sir, yes, sir!
'' at the very least? Even on Grey's Anatomy they bother to slip on a uniform once in a while. B-
Previously on.
.. One Tree Hill
Oh my God, One Tree Hill is the best show ever!
At least judging from this 40-second clip. First, some blond girl tackles a brunette down on the ground while yelling, ''You made fun of my mom's death!'' (I don't really get that, but I don't care.
) But wait, she's not done. Then blondie tells her, ''She's dead, and as far as I'm concerned, so are you.'' (Excellent!
) And then she goes and punches her in the face at a party. (More excellent!) Chad Michael Murray eventually shows up to do some seriously awesome brooding, and finally, a preppy guy who looks like Chad Michael Murray but is not Chad Michael Murray smiles and punches the blond girl in the face.
And...
scene. Where has this show been all my life? Utterly spectacular!
A+++
1. Mark-Paul Gosselaar in Atomic Twister
Note to aspiring actors: Try to avoid movies with Olympian Carl Lewis in them.
2.
Mario Lopez in Pet Star
Post-Bell and pre-Dancing, Lopez occupied himself by introducing a pig that could raise an American flag. USA! USA!
3. Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls
The film in which the former Jessie Spano takes stock of her life and concludes that ''I like having nice t--s.''
4.
Dennis Haskins in Tangy Guacamole
Tangy Guacamole? Mr. Belding should give himself detention for starring in this (and as ''Toss Honeycut,'' no less).
5. Dustin Diamond in Celebrity Boxing 2
Screech lacing up the gloves probably should rate higher, but in his defense, he did thoroughly kick Horshack's ass.
Check back on Friday for the rest of the Glutton, including Dalton's weekly "Obsession" and reader mail!
Until then, send your questions, comments, and quibbles to theglutton@ew.com, or just fill out the handy-dandy form below.
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