set of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
Photo: AFP
Cricket is the perfect summer TV sport. Melinda Houston counts the ways.
Ah, cricket.
Simultaneously engaging and relaxing, its stately pace means it's something you can enjoy with tea and sandwiches, a book or magazine, even a quiet beer. And that's just the players.
For spectators, the opportunities to multi-task are endless.
Ultimately, the only limit to the way you enjoy the day is your imagination, but here are some suggestions for making the most of it.
10.30am, in time for the first ball.
Don't bother opening the curtains. Make a large pot of coffee, raid the fridge for the last few mince pies, slices of Christmas pud or pavlova.
Or fry up some of that ham with a couple of eggs.
(Or all of the above.) Then secure the most comfortable seat in the lounge room and settle in for the morning. At lunch, make yourself a turkey sandwich.
Then repeat.
Even if you do make it into your street clothes, there's absolutely no obligation to exert yourself. Or even to move, apart hawking memorabilia.
So relax.
pleasant state of semi-consciousness. Then, when you hear a roar of excitement, open one eye.
Avoid leaping directly from unconsciousness to an exuberant cry of HOWZAT!!!
It frightens pets and small children.
Unlike radio commentary, the moving pictures let you keep an eye vacuuming up pine needles, tinsel, cake crumbs, and those choking-hazard toys found in bonbons.
every four, six, or needlessly aggressive Australian appeal.
But hey. You're on holidays.
Some people think that it's the racial, cultural and rich Australia so special.
In fact, it's the two teams' passion for lager that truly binds them. So get in the spirit of things this summer, and join them.
Perhaps offspring, house guests or simply joie de vivre make it necessary to be more active.
Cricket on the television is the perfect accompaniment to six-and-out in the backyard. Keep the volume turned up. When you hear the roar, everyone rush into the No one likes to watch the clock while they're on hols.
But you often need to keep some kind of grip on the day. The cricket provides the perfect measure. During the morning session, prepare the salads, spray the outdoor table with insect repellent, thread those fiddly chunks of meat onto skewers, and make a quick trip to the servo for a couple of bags of ice.
When it's last drinks before lunch, fire up the barbecue and prepare to greet guests.
quaffable shiraz). When they bring out first drinks after lunch, initiate a game of backyard cricket.
At tea, everyone move inside last session. Stumps - time for everyone to go home. That's enough beer for one day.
The Australian team is old, ugly, fat, and churlish. The British team, on the other hand, means you don't have to care for cricket to enjoy the scenery. There's the louche appeal of Andrew "Make mine a pint" Flintoff, or the harder edge of Kevin Pietersen, who looks and acts like he's walked straight off the set of Lock, For the youngsters, there's the nightclub cool of James Anderson (with that hair, he could be an AFL player).
And who could tire of the sweet-faced Geraint Jones and Paul Collingwood? Apparently, some heterosexual men also watch the cricket. For them, the women.
And if patriotism dictates that you must admire one of the Australian players, there's always Michael Hussey.
down at the pub? (OMG!
! Hussey is sooo HOT!) Nope, me neither.
But bless him for at least trying to sound convincing.
Well, yeah. To the uninitiated, cricket - especially Test cricket - seems ridiculously drawn-out and uneventful.
But it is, in fact, an extraordinarily complex and seductive game, the finer points of which one could spend a lifetime absorbing.
But even if you can't tell a short leg from a long on, and struggle to distinguish Warnie's flipper from his wrong 'un, any to the competition.
fascination.
And the rivalry between these two particular teams, even with the urn back in Australia's clutches, gives the match an even sweeter edge.
No? Oh well.
Maybe next year.
Nine.
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