sweatpantsmom

They said "I Do."
My brother got married on Saturday and I have to say it was one of the most beautiful weddings I've been to. Aside from the breathtaking location - an inn sitting on a cliff overlooking the ocean - it was the sentiments expressed by their children that made this one so memorable.

This is the second marriage for both of them, and each have adult children by their previous spouses - my brother has a son who is 26 and his wife has a daughter and son, ages 18 and 21. During the reception each of their children got up to talk and said such heartfelt words about how happy they were that their parents had found each other and how they were grateful to be welcomed into their new families. This was my cue to start crying, as I do at most weddings, and unfortunately I have the three-inch black mascara stains on the sleeves of all my dresses to prove it.

She said, "Can't touch this."
Kiyomi performed her flower girl duties excellently. At the last minute my two five year old nieces, who were also flowergirls, cancelled and Kiyomi had to walk down the aisle by herself, and she wasted no time in telling the wedding coordinator that she was "flying solo.

" She was a little too excited about this, sort of like Diana Ross when she was ditching the Supremes and when she started to do a manic MC Hammer dance right before the ceremony I had to tell her to knock it off. But she walked down the aisle and stood in her place during the wedding, only cracking once when the words "and you may kiss the bride" were spoken and she started wincing and shielding her eyes, sort of like she does when she sees me coming out of the shower.

They said, "Ewww.

"
When it came time for the traditional bouquet toss, I have to say I was deeply disappointed in the lack of desperation in today's single women. Why, in my day, we trained for the bouquet toss as if it were the Iron Man triathlon. The wedding ceremony was a mere formality and the reception was only an opportunity to carbo-load for the main event - rubbery chicken and a slab of cake were all I needed to take down my opponents.

We'd rush the floor for the best position, and when that bouquet came sailing towards us we acted like a bunch of women just emerging from a diet clinic who had spied a single french fry appearing in the sky. Shoving, slapping, elbowing - I think I may have stabbed a bridesmaid or two, but it's all a blur, my brain overcome with visions of future matrimonial bliss.

On Saturday it took a fair amount of coaxing to get anyone out on the floor, and when the actual toss occurred everyone watched the bouquet sail over their heads, recoiling as if a giant turd were hurling towards them.

It eventually hit the floor, only to be picked up by...

Kira, my ten-year-old. Which means, if the tradition holds true, she'll be the next one to get married! I can't wait for the throngs of hillbillies, assorted perverts and Roman Polanski to show up on my doorstep.

They said, "Can't we just be friends?"
The guys did a little better with the garter toss. It wasn't as hard to get them out there, but when they finally shuffled onto the floor they stood as far back as possible, talking and scratching themselves.

One of them appeared to be text-messaging the entire time on his Blackberry. When my brother flung the garter into the crowd, they all just kind of glanced up, seemingly unsure as whether to grab it or not, as if they were saying, "Should I grab it? Is my girlfriend watching?

Does this really mean I have to get married? Do I love her? Hey, that waitress is kind of hot.

"

To be fair, I should say here that at our wedding Rigel chose to skip the garter toss altogether. He said he saw no point in watching a bunch of grown men falling all over themselves, chasing after a piece of women's lingerie. I had to agree, since I figured it was unnecessary to repeat what had happened at his bachelor party the previous weekend.

They sang Frank Sinatra.
When my girls first heard that my brother would be getting married they got very excited and wanted to perform together at the reception. Unfortunately they couldn't agree on a song choice, and when they finally decided on one I had to veto it - I explained to them that Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams wasn't appropriate for what was intended to be the happiest day in the lives of the bride and groom.

My brother's son played guitar and both he and his new step-brother sang a touching rendition of "The Way You Look Tonight" to the new couple. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. I love weddings.

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