p Somehow, someway, the draft has become one of the premiere events of the National Football League. It is an exercise in tedium and monotony. If you are a fan, you will find yourself sitting there on your couch and waiting 15 minutes in-between picks during the first round and enjoying every second of it.
Do you have errands to run on Saturday? That won t be a problem at all. A person can go away for a couple of hours and will have only missed between eight to ten picks.
That is not even a third of the first round! There will still plenty of drafting to do over the course of the next seven rounds! br / br / If the draft is so boring, how did it become so popular?
Why do millions of people know who Mel Kiper, Jr. is? Why should I be glued to ESPN2 at 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon just to see whom Carolina picks in the seventh round?
That guy is getting cut in training camp anyway! There isn rsquo;t even the comedic value that the NBA draft has when David Stern hands over a jersey to a 6 rdquo;11 rdquo; 19-year-old in a hideous suit! What reason is there at all to watch this?
Well, my dear reader, here are the reasons you should watch (even if only intermittently ndash; seriously, the first round alone takes all day, you can step away occasionally). br / br / 1) b The [Insert Your Favorite Team Here] Select hellip; /b br / This is the only reason to watch for most of you. Who is going to break your heart by underperforming for your Eagles/Saints/Browns/etc.
for the next four or five years? This is an especially joyous moment for Jets fans, as it is the very first time they rsquo;ll get to boo the poor guy. This is truly a special moment in the life of any fan.
br / /p p 2) b Draft Busts /b br / This correlates directly to whomever your favorite team selects. There will be more busts than stars. For every Donovan McNabb there are Cade McNowns illegally parking in handicapped spots somewhere and Akili Smiths calling you about Liberty Mutual insurance.
This inevitable fact is especially true if your favorite team is the Lions. And they select a wide receiver. Again.
Somewhere Calvin Johnson prays Matt Millen never saw his game tape. br / /p p 3) b Diva Fits /b br / The best recent example of this belongs to Eli Manning after being drafted by San Diego. After all, who would want to play somewhere that has perfect weather and gorgeous women?
Who would want to have that LaDainian Tomlinson guy helping you out in the backfield? He rsquo;s worthless! Give me New York!
I want to play in a city where any game in which I have a passer rating of less than 90 and a TD/INT ratio of less than 3/1 will make me a pariah. Oh, and can I have noted Schrutebag Tom Coughlin as my coach? Daddy, I don rsquo;t wanna go to San Diego!
(See also: Elway, John) br / /p p 4) b Why Haven rsquo;t I Been Drafted Yet? /b br / Inevitably, there will be one guy there who is just positive he rsquo;s getting picked very early. Then, as if on cue, he will just keep getting passed over.
I thought the ESPN crew was going to call out a suicide watch for Aaron Rodgers as he slid from potential first overall pick all the way down to Brett Favre rsquo;s towel boy at No. 22. br / /p p 5) b Sartorial Splendor /b br / Sure, you would never wear a quadruple breasted cream-colored suit with purple pinstriping, gator boots, a cane, and a fedora with a red feather ndash; but why should that stop Ted Ginn from doing it?
While watching Roger Goodell hand over the jersey isn rsquo;t as funny to see as Stern (at least I rsquo;m assuming so, this is Goodell rsquo;s first draft as commissioner) crazy suits are always a guaranteed laugh. Then you remember the guy in the suit is about to make twenty times what you make. But then you start laughing again, so all is well.
br / /p p 6) b Rampant Trade Speculation /b br / There will be roughly eighty-four potential blockbuster trades that general managers will be ldquo;in talks rdquo; about during the first round. Approximately none of these will come true. However, for the five minutes that you think Randy Moss is being shipped to Cincinnati for a third round selection and a DVD of i Dog: The Bounty Hunter /i , you are in heaven.
br / /p p 7) b A Chance To Relive The College Football Season /b br / This is a big reason that I watch. I grew up in Memphis, and at the time, there was no NFL team for hundreds and hundreds of miles around. I became a far bigger fan of college football than pro football because of this.
The NFL draft is basically one big college football highlight show and I absolutely love college football highlight shows. Additionally, it rsquo;s a chance to see if anyone picks up your favorite player from the old rsquo; alma mater. Strangely enough, my Central Michigan Chippewas are expected to have a first round choice this year (offensive lineman Joe Staley).
Now I have to watch. br / /p p 8) b Mel Kiper Jr. rsquo;s Hair /b br / That stuff is immovable.
Perfectly coiffed. I think it rsquo;s some kind of Teflon or possibly even Kevlar. He will use it in the art of battle as well.
Ask Bill Polian. br / /p p 9) b Random References to Forgotten 70s Hits /b br / Nobody is safe from a crappy Chris Berman nickname. There are untold thousands of songs in the back catalogues of Three Dog Night, Foghat, and Electric Light Orchestra that have yet to be connected to a football player born fifteen years after the band rsquo;s heyday.
Be very afraid, C.J. Ah You Ain rsquo;t Seen Nothin rsquo; Yet.
br / /p p 10) b There Is No Escape /b br / Cthulu has you, my friends. The draft will be on every version of ESPN and will be talked about on every sports radio station there is all weekend long. Nothing else will exist.
At least not until the Red Sox and Yankees start up again this weekend. Then the draft won rsquo;t exist and we rsquo;ll instead be reminded of the only two baseball teams that exist in the whole wide world. And you wouldn t want it any other way.
br / /p div id="authorbio" Jerkwheat is, in fact, neither a jerk nor a wheat. Instead, he is but a simple man making his living doing community outreach for a large, faceless corporation. Additionally, you can always find him working as El Jefe of www.
deadonblog.com - a pop culture blog written by some of the finest commenters Deadspin has to offer. /div br style="clear: both;"/
Macedonian boys did not come of age until a wild boar was corralled with a net. The ability to provide for the tribe defined and protected a man's standing with the people. /p p Battle is another traditional definition of a man.
Conscription has always been considered a rite of passage for boys for those countries that require military participation of its male youth. In Barbados, men continually tested themselves against each other through Bajan Stick-Licking, a method of fighting using fire-hardened sticks. /p p Fertility is a measure of a man that even those without a warrior's skills can hope to meet.
The species propagates only thorough the virile man. Thus, the fertility rituals of Papua New Guinea developed over time, requiring some combination of fasting, prayer, body mutilation, and cannibalism. Women were sent to menstruation huts to avoid contaminating the men with their femininity.
/p p Of course, today's male defines his manhood through more modern methods. As the television became ubiquitous, the man took control of the device when he was at home, ruling his castle with an iron fist to compensate for the emasculating post-war world. Children were drafted into the role of rudimentary television tuners and channel changers; a solid smack to the back of the head sent the child scurrying to the set with a yelp, tasked with turning the knob or fiddling with the rabbit ears until reception was restored.
/p p Today's televisions provide much more content with many more functions, making the remote-control-on-two-legs both inefficient and punishable in a court of law. (Most states make an exception to send the child on a remote control hunt. Men don't dig their hands into the couch.
) /p p Men now define their manhood through their mastery of the remote control. An alpha male can pull down the cockpit on his Home Entertainment Machine and rip through 752 channels in less than five minutes, sliding between picture-in-picture and high-definition content as he organizes and then dismisses entire entertainment monopolies without disturbing the beer bottle resting precariously on his stomach. Women must relinquish control of the remote to the men so they can conquer the new landscape, not lollygag through a few channels at a time, sniffing the goddamned flowers of the Oxygen Media empire.
/p p In this spirit, I slapped down my plastic on Major League Baseball's new online television package a month ago. MLB.tv Premium offered a new product, Mosaic, which would offer me six baseball games in one screen.
I would be able to park my ass in front of more baseball in one night than my ancestors could see in a month. I could zoom into a single game for full-screen semi-sharp glory or bounce around all the games for as much coverage as I liked. /p p I would not settle for six games, of course.
I would flick my wrist through even more games, flittering through 8 or 9 games, while drinking neat Scotch, smoking Nicaraguan cigars, and cycling through a wide selection of college-aged women that did not require me to remove my eyes from the screen. /p p After a month of MLB.tv Mosaic, I would be forced to purchase a specially modified van so I could use a wheelchair lift to help me lift my gigantic testicles into and out of the vehicle.
/p p When the first full slate of games came out April 2nd, I laid out party food and drink to rival a Super Bowl spread. Of course, I invited no one over; I didn't need anyone nattering over my shoulder or eating the onion dip while I slapped my fire hose on the keyboard and engorged myself in the raw sports action. My manhood would finally receive its due.
/p p After about ten minutes, I found myself curled into a ball in the far corner, sucking my thumb and singing "I Will Survive" at the top of my lungs to drown out the six screens of raw sports being hammered through me. /p p I crawled back to the computer, unplugged it, and threw a blanket over the top. The cool breeze that blew through my crotch, unimpeded by dangly bits, was a sharp reminder of my vanquished state.
I flipped on the television and set down the remote control gingerly. /p p As I wiped away tears at the utterly unfair treatment of Deidre Hall at the hands of her cruel husband, William Katt, I tried to make sense of it all. Maybe I could get a small child to come over and I could get a Nerf bat and.
.. /p p No.
No, I would regain mastery of my home. I would reclaim my manhood and my computer. I inched back to my computer and cautiously restarted Mosaic.
The six screens started their screeching again. I covered my eyes with one hand and pounded the mouse with the other until the four-screen option appeared. I dropped in a blacked-out game, making it possible for me to see only three games.
I peered through my hand, making sure it was okay for me to come out again. /p p Over the next two days, I came to an understanding with the clunky Mosaic interface, the slow-buffering videos, and the overwhelming amount of content. Four games.
.. five games.
.. six games.
.. six games plus one of the blacked-out games on the television.
.. 6+1 with zooming in on rallies and special at-bats.
Eventually, I learned to work with Mosaic and got all the baseball I wanted, but it didn't come without a lesson to be learned. /p p I didn't treat Mosaic as a land to be conquered, like I did with television. She became a slow-turning mothership, one at the whims of a capricious Internet ocean.
In the hands of an experienced ship's captain, ol' Mosie would get you there eventually. Don't push her; don't threaten her. She's a lady.
You treat her good, son, and she'll treat you good. /p p I have regained control of my digital entertainment and my life, thanks to a new point of view. Media mastery isn't about manhood or pecking order; it's about finding new respect for a new medium and learning to work with it.
I don't need to prove to anyone how well I can handle Mosaic, hunting, or parallel parking. I only need to enjoy ol' Mosie for what she is and treat her as an equal. If I do, she'll take care of me for all the rest of this season.
/p p Of course, not everything has changed; I still occasionally trip over my own fire hose on the way to the bathroom first thing in the morning. After all, I'm just a man. /p div id="authorbio" Tuffy cares about you.
While others have neglected you, Tuffy has not forgotten you. Just lie back and think of Tuffy. Tuffy writes for a href="http://deadon.
wordpress.com" DeadOn /a as well. /div br style="clear: both;"/
Williams
Karen calls Bill to tell him about the latest development. She asks him if she can make up a little white lie involving CTU rsquo;s interrogation of Fayed, in order to get Wayne to call off the strike. Although Bill is as shocked as she at the news, he firmly says no.
The ambassador calls in to the bunker pleading for the strike to be called back. He says he has ldquo;new intel rdquo; about a general who rsquo;s been commanding Fayed. Wayne starts sniffing the air, and calls the ambassador a liar.
/p p After the ambassador, the joint chiefs, and especially Karen and Tom are drenched in sweat; Wayne relents and aborts the strike. But wait hellip; what? The missile had no warhead?
Wayne was i faking /i it? A man can do that? Hmm, he rsquo;s not married, maybe that rsquo;s hellip; Oh sorry, where was I?
Ah, so the whole thing was a i ploy /i . Scary one, but it worked. The ambassador has promised a full report on this evil General Habib.
/p p Meanwhile, Jack is s beating up /s interrogating Fayed. ldquo;I haven rsquo;t begun to enjoy myself rdquo; But the Q A session is interrupted when he gets a call from Bill, and while he rsquo;s busy, Doyle tries ndash; but gets no where. When Fayed claims he rsquo;s serving God, Doyle points his gun square at his head: /p p ldquo;No, you rsquo;re not, and you can ask him when you see him rdquo; Although it was a great line, Jack intercedes: /p p ldquo;Agent Doyle ndash; lower your weapon!
Remember your place sonny, I have top billing at this clambake ndash; i I /i get the best lines. rdquo; /p p They prepare to bring him to CTU for ldquo;pharmaceutical interrogation rdquo; where Burke is sharpening his needles and drooling. Jack gets to show off his star status once again: /p p Oh, and what fun is in store next.
While Jack, Doyle and Fayed are en route to CTU, and enjoying a conversation that weighs the merits of the pharmaceutical interrogation technique, their vehicle is rammed head on by some sort of armored truck. What looks like just a typical collision turns out to be a rescue attempt by Fayed rsquo;s men. Shots are fired on both sides, and suddenly Doyle is down.
A second later, so is Jack. Oh no! /p p Hostiles help Fayed into the armored vehicle and they rsquo;re off like a prom dress.
A second later Jack pops his head up like an impossible-to-kill Michael Myers in i Halloween /i . ldquo;We rsquo;re clear! rdquo; Are you kidding me?
Jack fakes it too? Well, i he rsquo;s /i not married; this has to be some hellip;Oh, sorry, where was I? /p p When Wayne finds out what CTU has done, he talks to the recalled ambassador at the Bunker.
They need the now captured General Habib to contact Fayed, to convince him that his fake rescuers are indeed from another cell under his command. The ambassador hesitates, he rsquo;s not sure that his government can get a whole lot of cooperation out of Habib. When Karen joins the conversation to stress how important this is ndash; the Ambassador treats her with contempt.
Wayne inquires whether The Unnamed Country rsquo;s government has threatened to kill Habib rsquo;s family. Karen, Tom, and the Ambassador wonder whether if it rsquo;s really Jack disguised as Wayne in the room with them. /p p Well, whatever they needed to do worked, because Habib does make the call to Fayed.
They talk briefly, but Fayed now seems convinced. Especially good news is that Fayed gives the location of the nukes. All goes along fine until Jack, Doyle, and CTU lose both audio and visual contact with the other vehicle.
Right before that, Nadia approaches Bill with some startling news. When she reviewed the transcript of the Habib/Fayed phone call, the name Sameer was mentioned. Turns out the lsquo;Sameer rsquo; in question is dead.
Bill and Nadia realize that this was probably a code (remember last year rsquo;s ldquo;Flank Two rdquo;). So, Fayed possibly already now knows that the whole thing was a set up. /p p And now that the good guys lost contact with the other truck, suspicions are raised.
The target truck carrying Fayed was stopped inside a tunnel. When Jack and Doyle enter the vehicle, they see that Fayed is gone, and the undercover CTU men are either dead or injured. Jack orders Doyle to stay with Jamal, who is the only team member still alive, while he heads into an open doorway in pursuit of Fayed.
/p p Things are just as shaky back at the White House bunker. Wayne rsquo;s health ndash; well you couldn rsquo;t say it was deteriorating ndash; it had been compromised since the assassination attempt. His recovery was charade of sorts, aided by adrenaline, and since the effects of the two shots have worn off, Wayne rsquo;s feeling like a seriously injured man should.
Like crap. He rsquo;s been having tremors in his hand, and all over not looking well. Eventually he collapses in his office, pleading to Tom Lennox to keep it quiet.
Of course, Tom calls Dr. Weld, who will i not /i give Wayne another shot of adrenaline. Wayne is still determined to play President, and resolutely fixes his tie and flashes the peace sign.
OK, not exactly. /p p Jack follows Fayed into a truck bay and sees a slain civilian on the ground. Fayed climbs into the cab of a huge sanitation truck.
Jack scurries underneath the behemoth vehicle, and clings to the frame of the undercarriage. While the truck is in motion, he tries to update Bill on his cell. Bill can barely make out what Jack is saying, and he loses the call.
/p p Shortly Fayed arrives at a large warehouse. After he leaves the truck, Jack comes out from hiding, following Fayed towards his men. Once Jack realizes that the nukes are actually there ndash; he opens fire.
Eventually it rsquo;s just him and Fayed in hand to hand to pipe to board to chain combat. It rsquo;s all quite brutal, and finally Jack wraps up the situation by wrapping Fayed rsquo;s neck in a heavy chain that hangs from the ceiling. Doyle and another TAC team show up to help and after taking in the sight of Fayed dangling from the ceiling, they rejoice in the seeming end of the crisis.
The renaming nukes are in custody and the wicked witch is dead. Jack is ready to light a cigar when a call is patched through to him. /p p Despite all appearances, we know two things instantly: /p /p div id="authorbio" Mary K.
is a freelance writer living in the Greater Boston area. She is also Features Editor for Hot Psychology Magazine, and has contributed to the recently published anthology, a href=http://www.lulu.
com/content/265765 i Brewed Awakenings /i /a . /div br style="clear: both;"/ p I have a startling confession to make: I m a pretty big wrestling fan. I don t like it as much as I used to, but I still follow it relatively closely.
Even though I stopped scheduling social events around wrestling shows a long time ago, I found a woman who doesn t make fun of me for liking wrestling (besides my Mom). People still look at me like I m Corey Feldman when I reveal this shocking secret, but I don t really think it s all that embarrassing anymore. I have to admit, though, that TiVo has made it easier to be a wrestling fan.
We can now save the broadcasts until our parents, roommates or significant others leave the house, sneaking in our weekly wrestling rations as if they were stacks of old porn videos. br / br / Once every year, the Super Bowl of wrestling takes place. Say what you will about Vince McMahon, but I ve never seen a nipple pop out at his ldquo;Super Bowl, rdquo; and his is a pay-per view event!
br / br / It was April 1st, which meant it was time for i WrestleMania 23 /i , the newest i WrestleMania /i yet! The Mrs. had to work that night, and I had the rare Sunday off, so I decided to waste 50 bucks and keep a running diary of all the hi-jinx.
What follows is that diary...
br / br / None other than Aretha Franklin opened up the show in style by doing a lovely rendition of ldquo;America the Beautiful rdquo;. Personally, I would have rather seen Roseanne here, but what I rsquo;d really like to see is a match between Aretha and Roseanne, although Aretha aka ldquo; i Soul /i kozuna rdquo; seems to have the ldquo;slight rdquo; weight advantage right now. Ms.
Franklin was also wearing a blonde wig, which made her resemble a young Ric Flair on a steady diet of chocolate e clairs. br / br / This was the 23rd i WrestleMania /i . Vince McMahon is doing quite well these days.
I haven t been really keeping up with the league, but I rsquo;m pretty sure the 6th annual XFL Bowl is right around the corner. Go Birmingham! br / br / b Match Number One: /b /p p Jeff Hardy vs.
Finlay vs. Matt Hardy vs. Mr.
Kennedy vs. Edge vs. Booker T.
vs. CM Punk vs. Randy Orton in a ldquo;Money in the Bank rdquo; ladder match.
To win a money in the bank match, one must climb to the top of a ladder and attain a briefcase hanging from the rafters in the middle of the ring which contains a contract for a WWE world championship match which can be used anytime in the next 365 days. br / br / Jeff Hardy needs an intervention. His dance moves recalled a slightly more polished Mark Madsen.
I bet you this guy still thinks Limp Bizkit is cool. br / br / Say what you will about Randy Orton, and most of you will say really naughty things, but I rsquo;ve got to admit, he had the ldquo;Bohemian Rhapsody rdquo; of ring music going for him. It was nothing I rsquo;d ever buy, but it was the perfect song for a massive, self-loving tool to enter a WWE ring to.
br / br / During the match, announcer JBL kept reminding us that at some point, the Hardy brothers were going to have to compete against each other. This was sort of obvious seeing as how only one person could have won the match. br / br / At about the midway point of the match, Jeff Hardy jumped from a ladder inside the ring onto Edge on the outside of the ring who was lying on another ladder, which snapped in half when Hardy made impact (and literally prompted me to say Oh my God!
). For a minute, I honestly wondered if Edge had not been hurt very badly (he did not return). br / br / A few minutes later, a bloody Finlay slowly catapulted a ladder holding Matt Hardy until Hardy slid off like a teardrop that didn t want to leave its duct, landing with a thud on the mat.
br / br / Near the end of the match, minutes after executing his vicious finishing move (a fireman rsquo;s carry slam, I guess you could call it, and I don rsquo;t remember its real name) on Finlay rsquo;s mascot, a little person, Mr. Ken Kennedy stood atop the ladder and claimed his prize! It was a wonderful way to kickoff the massive event, in one of the best matches I rsquo;ve seen in a long time.
br / br / b Match Number Two: /b /p p Kane vs. The (not so) Great Khali br / br / You may remember the insanely large Khali as the insanely large guy in the recent re-make of i The Longest Yard /i . His wrestling is about as memorable as his acting, in case you were wondering.
He faced another ldquo;actor, rdquo; Kane, who appeared in the forgettable horror film i See No Evil /i . I rsquo;m not sure what was scarier: Kane rsquo;s in-ring persona, or the thought of him starring in a movie. He rsquo;s got the charisma of a shovel.
br / br / It was an awful match, which concluded in quick fashion when Khali threw Kane to the mat, which was basically the only thing he was capable of. Watching that match was like getting teeth pulled, which is ironic, as Kane rsquo;s one time in-ring persona was ldquo;Isaac Yankem DDS rdquo;, aka Jerry Lawler rsquo;s ldquo;dentist. rdquo; br / br / b Match Number Three: /b /p p MVP vs.
Chris Benoit for the United States Championship br / br / MVP was decked out in a flashy, one-piece, red, white and blue suit. What the hell was I watching here, i American Gladiators /i ? br / br / The match looked okay to me in the early going, but it was not going the way the crowd was hoping.
The last time I heard a room full of people so quiet was when Tom Cruise was ldquo;outed rdquo; during the orgy scene in i Eyes Wide Shut /i . The major difference being that there were 80,000 plus at this event. (A new Ford Field record) Well, that and there weren t a bunch of weirdos wearing funny masks.
(Rey Misterio notwithstanding) br / br / It was an awkward finish to a once promising match. Benoit won an only slightly eventful contest with a flying headbutt. br / br / b Match Number Four: /b /p p The Undertaker (14-0 lifetime at Wrestlemania) vs.
Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship br / br / Undertaker rsquo;s ring entrance was preceded by a group of tall Jawas holding flaming torches. I guess the fact that these Jawas were tall may have disqualified them from being actual Jawas, but I rsquo;m not exactly sure how the Jawa society works. Are all Jawas 3 feet tall?
br / br / It rsquo;s amazing how athletic and agile the Undertaker was after all these years, as displayed when he jumped over the top rope onto Batista, who was trying to gather his thoughts ringside. Undertaker was like a big cat. But I admit, other than Andres Galarraga, I rsquo;m not too familiar with big cats, so I rsquo;ll use a description that I can more easily relate to.
Undertaker rsquo;s agility was like that of a really agile tall guy wearing mascara. br / br / In another ldquo;holy shit rdquo; moment, as the crowd likes to refer to them, Batista performed a running power slam, putting Undertaker through one of the announcers tables. But the crowd forgot to chant ldquo;holy shit.
rdquo; What a bunch of lame-os. Detroit Rock City is behaving more like Detroit Adult Contemporary City right now. br / br / A Batista-bomb failed to put away the Undertaker.
At that point, it became quite obvious that lsquo;Taker was going to win this one, which was what everyone wanted anyway. br / br / Minutes later, Undertaker connected on a tombstone piledriver to win the title, delight the crowd, and go 15-0 at Wrestlemania. br / br / After the match, JBL pretended to be frightened by the thought of the Undertaker being the champion over at Smackdown.
He must be unaware of the fact that lsquo;Taker is now 64 years old. br / br / b Match Number Five: /b /p p ECW Originals vs. ECW rsquo;s New Breed br / br / What a wasteful and boring match.
If McMahon wants ECW to be a marketable brand again, he s going to have to let them use weapons in every match. RVD won the one-star match with a five-star frog splash. br / br / b Match Number Six: /b /p p Bobby Lashley (with Donald Trump) vs.
Umaga (with Vince McMahon) in a hair match. (Stone Cold Steve Austin was the special guest referee) The losing manager (Trump or McMahon) would get his hair shaved in the middle of the ring after the match. br / br / After Stone-Cold tried to pull the beastly Samoan away from Lashley for the third time, Umaga flipped out and discarded Austin to the outside of the ring.
An interfering Shane McMahon, who arrived just in time to distract Austin for a second, entered the ring to unleash some blows on Lashley. After being handled in the corner by Umaga, Lashley was set up for one of Shane-O-Mac rsquo;s signature moves, the coast-to-coast drop kick into a garbage can that was lodged against Lashley rsquo;s face. After Shane impressively connected, he took off his dress shirt, revealing a referee rsquo;s shirt underneath.
Umaga then connected with a splash from the top rope. Shane counted to two before being yanked out of the ring by a rejuvenated Austin, who re-entered the ring, only to be struck by Umaga. Trump smelled a rat and jetted over to the other side of the ring to clothesline Vince McMahon, before unloading a couple of pathetic fists onto the i other /i billionaire.
Umaga attempted a Samoan spike on Austin, but Steve ducked and landed a stone-cold stunner on Umaga. Lashley got up, speared Umaga and pinned him for the 1-2-3. br / br / Shane McMahon entered the ring to help his dad, who was about to get his hair shaved and was stunned by Austin.
Vince McMahon tried to escape the ring area, but was chased down by Lashley. Vince was thrown back into the ring and proceeded to scream epithets at Lashley until he bumped into a familiar torso. He gulped, and reached behind his head to feel Austin rsquo;s.
It was indeed a bald dome he felt, so Vinnie Mac slowly turned around only to be greeted with a stunner of his own. Lashley welcomed Vince into the barber rsquo;s chair. br / br / McMahon then got his head shaved by Donald Trump and Lashley while Austin held him in place.
It was quite a surreal moment. And they went all out! They shaved him almost completely bald as Austin enjoyed a cold Miller Lite.
I hate to say it, but I felt kind of bad for Mr. ldquo;Mc-Mad-Mahon rdquo; as good ol rsquo; JR referred to him. He never looked so pathetic as he headed back to the locker room, still covered in leftover shaving cream.
br / br / Lashley, Austin, and Trump shared a beer in the middle of the ring before Austin hit Trump with yet another stone-cold stunner! I think Trump has real hair, or really good glue, because I saw Trump rsquo;s hair come almost completely off of his head right before hitting the mat, and it came right back down perfectly, completely in place by the time he was laid out. That was the highlight of the evening.
Not just Trump rsquo;s impressive hair, but the match as a whole. br / br / b Match Number Seven: /b /p p Women rsquo;s Championship match between hellip;..
who cares? It seemed like a good time to check in on baseball. Tom Glavine had just loaded the bases by hitting Scott Rolen with a pitch.
Rolen charged the mound and clotheslined Glavine. The umpire counted to three and Rolen was crowned the new National League Middleweight Champion. I switched back to i WrestleMania /i to see if the ladies were experiencing any wardrobe malfunctions, but the match was already over.
That didn rsquo;t take long. Maybe they rsquo;re finally starting to realize that fans just don rsquo;t give a shit about the Women rsquo;s Championship belt. I rsquo;d rather see Doink wrestle Tatanka.
br / br / b Match Number Eight: /b /p p Shawn ldquo;HBK rdquo; Michaels vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship br / br / Shawn Michaels approached the ring area wearing a short blouse with beaded crosses dangling from it. He looked like a walking Mexican sofa adorned with rosaries.
He also appeared to be wearing some soft pink lipstick. He was as pretty as a schoolgirl or i Bret /i Michaels circa 1986. I rsquo;m usually a pretty big fan of Michaels, but I rsquo;m just not sure if the world is ready for a black world champion.
He looked like he had fallen asleep in a tanning booth. For three weeks. br / br / After a back-and-forth slugfest, which left Michaels bloody, HBK accidentally superkicked the ref.
Cena attempted an FU, but HBK turned it into a DDT. br / br / Michaels took Cena to the outside of the ring and proceeded to piledrive Cena into the steel steps. Another ref came to the ring, but Cena kicked out at 2.
br / br / A beautiful series of countermoves ended with both men still alive in the match after a couple of near-misses. Cena got the STFU locked in, but Michaels reached the ropes to break the hold. The ref confronted Cena for not breaking the hold early enough and Cena was blindsided with a superkick.
Cena kicked out at 2. br / br / Cena locked in another STFU and this time Michaels was unable to kick out. Cena is still the champ.
Great match. br / br / All in all, it was fun, even if it rsquo;s never worth the amount they charge. There must be legions of closet wrestling fans out there.
I m surprised that more chicks or gay men don rsquo;t dig it. I mean it rsquo;s a soap opera with a bunch of muscular, half naked men holding each other, and you even get the occasional laugh. What more do you want?
It rsquo;s kind of like watching that one scene from i Borat /i extended over 3 hours, except not as funny and not as hot. /p p What? Why are you looking at me like I rsquo;m Corey Feldman again?
/p div id="authorbio" Jonathan Medina is a screenwriter, songwriter and journalist specializing in sports and music. He is currently writing i Rock N' Roll Grad School /i - a book about how music changed his life. He is also an aspiring actor and stand-up comedian and shares his life with Stephanie in Tucson, Arizona.
His hope is that his words could be music to your eyes, and the partial soundtrack to your online life.
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