Hello Hollywood. How s life lately? I m good, thanks for asking.
There are a couple things I thought we needed to talk through, in order to maintain our mutually beneficial relationship.
was Anchorman on ice with Napoleon Dynamite dressed up as . Yeah, don t get me wrong, I love my Will Ferrell comedies but I need more from you; I m growing up, I m maturing.
Seeing Will Ferrell s man-teets on the big screen doesn t elicit the same guffaw as in yesteryear (think Old School). My comedic sensibilities are evolving and I don t want to see us grow apart. I am being tempted.
I just want you to know. I a while back and been on my mind a lot lately. I mean, nothing has happened or anything.
I m just saying. Well, you know. If things go on like they ve been going - where you just totally don t get me - then I can t really promise you a future.
Rethink the theater.
With big fatty LCD TVs getting cheaper and cheaper, we re finding fewer excuses to brave the germ laden, talkfest that is the modern theater. You did good with Imax; that screen if effin sexy.
I need you to keep thinking, though. I know you have it in you.
I ve always loved the theater experience: the popcorn, the trailers, the enormity of it all.
But I don t love everything that comes along with it lately and, mostly, I don t love the people. I couldn t tell you the last time I was in a theater that was void of at least one idiot/teenager/elderly person who insisted on talking/letting cell phone ring/answering cell phone during the film. This is your major obstacle.
It s not unknown actors because, if the , we ll come - hell, we may even come back a second or third time. It s not a lot of the reasons I hear for declining box office revenue. It s people.
Just an idea: how about movie theaters with memberships? Gyms have them, and we all know we never use that gym membership. Why wouldn t we shell out a few bucks for something we d actually do?
We sign up, pay a little fee up front for the maintenance of the theater (because I am so sick of those out of order t-shirts over theater chairs), then agree to membership terms and conditions. That way, from day one, you have narrowed your audience down to the more serious move goer. Oh, and no children under 10 at all (unless it s a G rated film - and these films should be held in a theater far, far away from the general public) and definitely no unaccompanied children under the age of 17.
Now, you re pack of 14-year-old brats won t wander in and tear the foam padding off of the arm rest because it makes them snicker and feel totally badass.
Give us membership cards and track us big brother! If we re acting unruly or just dickish, come up with a process to terminate membership.
I d gladly pay you a bit more or drive a little farther to know, when I arrive at the theater, I m not going to be in the middle of Jill, the woman who can t wait 2 hours to take a call so she answers in the middle of the theater, or John, who feels the need to comment out loud on every damn thing that happens like he was in his own living room.
I really do love you Hollywood. We ve been together so long, it s seems absurd to throw it all away now.
But I need you to hear me. And I need you to hear me. You know?
Oh, and thank you for The Goonies. April 24, 2007
germ laden, talkfest that is the modern theater. and how.
i ve pretty much taken every measure possible to ensure i never have to go to the theatre again unless i really really want to. one of the last times i went some skeezy hairy guy in a tank top, short shorts, and flip flops sat next to me with his hairy big toe almost touching me, and kept burping, farting, and chomping on popcorn.
why do studios and theatres think i want to spend $8 (i m in ohio so it s a bit cheaper here but still) to have my personal space invaded with the mouth-breathing, extra butter popcorn masses?
for almost the price of two movie tickets i can have netflix!
btw, i ve been to the goonies house. it s right next door to the kindergarten cop school, no joke.
News RSS