On the other hand, seeing as I do wear the harness and therefore do have the right to comment, I must admit that I, too, struggle with the concept of a bra strap as a style statement. Yes, sure, we've all let our guard down on a hot day in a vest top and, yes, as the old soothsayers once said, "'tis better to flash a strap than flop a breast out". But the fact is, it looks sloppy, and do we really need to encourage our gentleman callers to be thinking about our mammaries even more than we all know they do?
So stop it, put it away, nobody actually looks good in a vest top anyway but, if you must, that's why God invented strapless bras. As Bob would say, "don't get tangled up in blue [straps], don't ache just like a woman [due to excess of straps], the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind," and that answer is a strapless bra. I am 17 and about to take a girl I really like on our first date.
Should I wear cologne? And if so, which one? Name withheld This email brings me even more joy than the revelation in last weekend's New York Times that stylist and professional bony person Rachel Zoe always puts her cup of iced tea inside another because she "hates condensation".
Don't we all, Rachel, don't we all? Anyway, bless you, young Name Withheld, and I salute your thoughtful concern for your ladyfriend. I am not, however, the best person to turn to on this subject because I personally hate cologne and do not understand the point thereof.
And yet it is a multimillion-dollar industry, so clearly I am missing something. Well, at times like this I often find that the best available guidance is at the cinema, and in this case one must surely turn to that icon of cologne adoration, news reporter Brian Fantana in the insurpassably brilliant Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, as played by possibly the greatest actor of our age, Paul Rudd. Few, surely, can forget the moment when Fantana/Rudd holds up his favourite cologne, "Sex Panther, by Odeon - 60% of the time, it works all the time.
" Sadly, it fails to work this time or, as Fantana puts it, "make this little kitty purr" because it smells, as aforementioned kitty puts it, "like a used diaper full of Indian food", a description that comes to mind when one smells pretty much any cologne. The lesson we can learn here is, just as women obsess about their weight in the name of looking more attractive to the opposite sex when it in fact makes them appear anything but, so men get all in a hissy about recreating the scent of a jungle animal in heat, placing misguided belief in theories regarding pheromones that would work perfectly well if they were trying to attract a lioness instead of, say, Lisa from accounts. So don't fall victim to the money-grabbing turkies, Master Withheld!
They're after your money and will do you no good 'tall with the ladies! As Ron Burgundy himself would say, sweet grandmother's spatula!
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