FANS of Scots-born actor David McCallum will have enjoyed the in-joke on the American TV series NCIS the other week, in which David, more famous for his Man from UNCLE role a generation ago, plays dotty pathologist "Ducky" Mallard.
His colleague Kate in NCIS asked: "What did Ducky look like when he was younger?"
Replied her boss: "Illya Kuryakin.
" POOR George Foulkes is spending his retirement from the House of Commons as a Labour list MSP on the back benches of the Scottish Parliament. It's a shame he is listed on a political website as: "Geroge Foulkes." Which website?
Oh, Scottish Labour's. with Spaniards trying to get a train to Mount Florida interspersed with homeward-bound commuters.
A queuing system for the trains was in place, and as the platform filled up, two Spaniards trapped on the wrong side of the barrier from their friends on the platform used sign language to show they had become separated and thus were allowed on the platform by helpful railway staff.
Says Neil: "On seeing this one of the local worthies beside them stepped forward and, with wits far more advanced than his geographical knowledge, called out to the staff, Haw, wait, that's ma cousin Manuel, frae . . .
frae WE hear from the accounts department of a large firm where a worker back from a business trip had correctly claimed for his lunch at the airport. It included a bottle of the Mexican beer, Corona.
The accounts department bloodhound perusing the receipts on his expenses claim called him into the office and triumphantly announced: "We don't pay for your cigars.
"
still acted as though it was his fault - as only an accounts person can." NEXT time your granny tells you what a kinder, gentler world it used to be, show her this hard-to-believe letter published in another newspaper this week: "I'm 83 and during the Second World War you could walk down Buchanan Street and listen to the bonny pipers. I especially enjoyed hitting the monkey'.
A piper had dressed a wee monkey as Hitler and for a farthing, you could give him a good skelp with a stick."
Aye, right.
A CHAP strolling in Glasgow's city centre the other evening stands aside as a group of teenagers runs past him at a frantic pace.
Bringing up the rear is a fellow teenager who is shouting at his pals in front: "Listen! When I shout polis' I mean act natural, not scarper!"
JOHNSTONE reader Mark Boyle tells us that as part of the refurbishment of the building where he works, management had announced that staff had to reduce their "ecological footprint" by increasing recycling and reducing the amount of paper used.
He was, therefore, perturbed when he went to the office loo and found a scraper inside one of the cubicles.
Fortunately, it had been left by one of the workers involved in the refurbishment rather than a suggestion from management.
A PEDANT writes: "Did you realise that three minutes and four seconds after two o'clock in the morning on June 5, the time and date will be 02:03:04:05:06:07?
"
No, we didn't, but we reckon we could have managed just fine not knowing.
THE news that traffic wardens in Salford will be fitted with video cameras so that they can record parking violations and disputes with motorists sparks the ire of one reader. He phones to ask us: "How many traffic wardens does it take to tile a roof?
" Our bemused reply about not knowing is greeted with a triumphal: "Depends on how thin you slice them," before he rings off.
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