"A filmmaker is claiming that the remains of Jesus have been discovered in a tomb in Jerusalem. Which is crazy, because Jesus made it perfectly clear he wanted to be buried in the Bahamas next to Anna Nicole." --Conan O'Brien "A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-president.

Apparently, voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-president.'" --Conan O'Brien "Vice President Dick Cheney is safely back in Washington after an attempt was made on his life in Afghanistan. The Taliban denied they were trying to kill the vice president.

They now claim it was just a hunting accident." --Jay Leno An electrical glitch grounded his usual plane, Air Force II, forcing him to fly on a C-17 dubbed -- and I'm not kidding -- 'The Spirit of Strom Thurmond.' As you know, 'The Spirit of Strom Thurmond' is a white plane, but guess which hanger it likes to park in when no one's watching?

[on screen: a black hanger]." --Jon Stewart "Trips like these are fraught with peril. A suicide bomber attempted to attack Cheney during his stay in Afghanistan.

To the suicide bombers and the Taliban: stop trying to kill our people. Seriously -- even the ones we don't like." --Jon Stewart "Experts say this presidential election will be the most expensive ever.

Now, the people in the I-don't-have-$500-million crowd say that's bad for America, making cash more important than substance. Well guess what? Cash is also a substance.

" --Stephen Colbert "But the big winner of the night was global warming. Everyone jumped on the hybrid bandwagon. But if you ask me, any lowering of emissions they achieved with the limos was canceled out by the amount of smoke they blew up Al Gore's ass.

Gore wanted this award so much, he pulled a DeNiro. Did you see how much weight he gained for the part?" --Stephen Colbert "If any of you at home are wondering about the former vice president's seeming largess, I will have you know, he has not gained weight.

He is so passionate about saving this Earth, he is trying not to exhale. Here's an inconvenient truth: cake isn't a food group" --Jon Stewart "A juror in the Scooter Libby trial has been dismissed by the judge after the juror was exposed to information about the case outside of the courtroom. How did this happen?

The news channels talk about nothing but Anna Nicole and Britney Spears for the last two weeks. What channel is this guy watching? I'd love to have some information.

" --Jay Leno "Here is a little difference between our country and Great Britain: Prince Harry -- third in line to the Royal Throne -- he's going to Iraq. He's going to be in a tank unit. On the other hand, the Bush twins are getting tanked .

.. and they are going to re-invade Margaritaville.

" --Bill Maher A non-political one from Harry Woods...

...

. there you are,having a dinner party..

...

are there, Your in-laws are there, Your boss and his wife are there, The minister and his wife are there, You're all for a nice relaxing evening dinner, Then in walks the dog...

. "A filmmaker is claiming that the remains of Jesus have been discovered in a tomb in Jerusalem.