Original post by another member:
So my WH says:
"What matters are my INTENTIONS. You don't think I had an A to deliberately HURT you, do you? There is no malice there.
I didn't do this to intentionally ruin your life."
What do you SAY to that?
So, uh, what, because you didn't mean to hurt me, I shouldn't feel hurt?
But you KNEW if I knew what you were doing, it would break my heart, and you did it anyway. Isn't that malice?
Is anyone else experiencing defending the indefensiveable?
I Posted: 11:41 PM, December 31st (Sunday), 2006
To quote my counselor...
.
Your intentions don't mean anything..
.it is HOW YOU COME ACROSS that matters.
sodisgustedNew MemberMember # 13083
Posted: 3:10 PM, December 30th (Saturday), 2006
Hey everyone.
I am new to SI and have just found out the details of my WS affair. Unfortunately, WS is well known in our community and word of what WS did is getting around.
I am wondering if anyone out there's WS (or WS OM/OW)is known in their community or a public figure?
I would love to speak with someone on how they handle some of the unique issues that go along with it.
Not only is it humiliating, but my WS may lose his job and OW husband is threatening violence.
I don't know how i can deal with it all .
. .
sadteacherMemberMember # 13072
Posted: 12:00 AM, January 1st (Monday), 2007
Yep.
..WS is a teacher and OW is a drug/substance abuse counselor.
Teachers are DEFINITELY community figures.
"I want the fairy tale..
." --from the movie "Pretty Woman"
Both: 33yo, married 8 yrs, dday sept 06, physical affair #1 started nov 01, secret female validations started may 99, separated since 9/06 (Dday), 2 daughters 13yrs 5yrs
sadteacherMemberMember # 13072
Posted: 12:53 AM, January 1st (Monday), 2007
Ok..
.I was checking this out cause I'm in separation limbo too..
.
I just have to say that I am LMAO about the new bad word I just learned from this thread.
FUCKTARD!
I LOVE IT! LOL
Topic: Spouses of PA support thread
38 hurtingMemberMember # 4602
Posted: 6:42 PM, August 30th (Wednesday), 2006
I just had to do this thread. There are MANY of us on this site dealing with a Passive Aggressive spouse.
(and this is what we look like )
sadteacherMemberMember # 13072
Posted: 12:58 AM, January 1st (Monday), 2007
Yep...
this fits me too. Now I just need to join the compulsive liars support thread, the narcassistic support thread, the dependency addict support thread..
.
Wow! What a list.
Topic: Experiences with spouse or STBX who is NPD
unsaveableMemberMember # 12620
Posted: 4:16 PM, December 27th (Wednesday), 2006
Hi,
I wanted to start a thread on this specific problem. I am almost positive that my STBX has this, and I'd like to hear other's stories or experiences living with this, or even in the process of divorcing.
sadteacherMemberMember # 13072
Posted: 11:44 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday), 2007
How do you know if the "empathy" they are supposedly showing is for real or not?
offthecoasterNew MemberMember # 12986
Posted: 11:57 PM, January 2nd (Tuesday), 2007
Been researching this sub a lot lately and I think that a lot of the affairs partners have it or some variation of it. Selfish, seld absorbed, lies w/ out a prob and the most improtant LACK OF EMPATHY for others. Very very scary thing.
downfallMemberMember # 7430
Posted: 6:21 AM, January 6th (Saturday), 2007
This is a good one that I got from CandleMaker - Helps us deal with WHY us. _____________________________
http://groups.msn.
com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/letmetellyousomethingaboutns.msnw
Let me tell you something about Ns Something you never see in books..
.
They need like no one else needs. They need so far beyond what is humanly possible, you can't even get a sane mind around it.
They hunt as close to Nirvana as they can find. If you are here, if you were hurt by an N..
. It is proof in itself of how capable and amazing you are. It's not about being blind, stupid, weak, messed up, crazy, a victim, broken or any such nonsense!
! It's because you can give, love, and forgive in a capacity rarely found. Because you are especially attractive, especially good in bed, especially bright, especially funny, especially successful, especially patient.
It means you have more of all the good qualities there are.
Look back. Ns don't hunt the average women in looks, qualities, or anything else.
They zero in on the best because they believe they are God and they deserve her. We have to work, run homes, raise kids, manage money, make all the decisions, undo everything they screw up, figure them out, chase after their needs that don't end, hide it from everyone, cope with abuse and violation in every sense of those words, and live on eggshells.
We do all that without anything from them, emotionally starved, on no sleep, with families alienated and friends driven away, our stomachs in knots, our hearts in our hands and our hands tied behind our backs while they monopolize all our time and energy.
Each and every one of us did it too. No doubt, some weight was gained, nerves were frazzled, hearts broken, souls drained, possessions lost, and lots of mistakes were made.
But ask yourself this.
.. when you were at the end of your rope, your least capable, your most afraid.
...
You still held up 90% of it didn't you? What kind of woman stands in the face of all that, still loves, and goes on so full of heart and emotion in the end? The best kind.
If you were so bad, you'd be N free. Deep down I believe it's equal and relative. You are as amazing as your N is heinous.
I assure you all this is true. They make poisoning self esteem an art form. Their survival depends on the level they can succeed in devaluing us.
I'm telling you...
.you are awesome. If you had an ounce of crazy in you, or selfish, or ugly, or worthless, dumb, or weak, you'd be blissfully happy, off someplace far from the N board, with some guy that lived to save you and take care of you lol.
You are here and that means you are rare and capable of the best things.
My theory was threatened because I've seen N's (mine included) take up with bottom of the barrel women. Ouch!
! What is worse than that? Not much.
But note: that is if and only if emergency supply is needed. Noooo N effort required, no time for charming etc. And if and only if they know you'll see it.
It's a devaluing tool, not unlike the rest.
See an N work a new supply for keeps, she'll be someone you wish you could warn. Someone good, someone you'd likely would have been friends with in a different reality.
N's leave women for one reason only, period. End of supply. They make it about you, age, looks, emotion, and / or anything they can lol.
It's crap! It's because you have needs, you are smart enough to create boundaries, because you have the nerve to want to matter, be heard, exist? how dare we?
Have you not talked to infinity and argued everything under the sun 3000 different ways? They hear one thing..
. less supply! Less supply?
? What the Hell do you mean less supply? And they freak out.
You'll never be able to give actual N supply required. No one can. There is absolutely nothing else wrong with any of us.
Christmas is a beautiful time. We all have people that care about us. Maybe we let our N's damage our relationships but that can be fixed.
There are children to think of, old friends to find, strangers to meet, sisters here to be with, and there is us. Don't spend the holidays alone or sad. Close your eyes and throw a stick.
Chances are you'll hit another person that needs some company. Get dressed up, do the make up, go out, invite people in, just don't worry about "him."
My N trashed every holiday, every year, no matter if we were "fine' or in break up Hell anyway.
What are we so sad for? (Correction, every holiday except his birthday lol. Unsuspecting.
..Relax and study on Christmas if you can't face festivities.
Pass the bar, use it to keep your N away from you with everything the law allows. Do it for you. Do it for us lol.
Look how many women here can't get the legal help or information they need. Look how many can't find a lawyer to grasp the concept of an N. It's funny.
When you're in school and you put your all into a test or project, you fret until it's graded. No one ever hands it in simply believing it's worth an A+ and walks away. We all wait until someone else deems it an A+.
We all go along with it if it's a C-. It's built in all through our lives and relationships. Our actual qualities and successes and our opinion of their value, hangs in wait until someone else grades them.
We all N dip and hope and torture ourselves over this silly human nature trait. You don't really feel bad about yourself. You know you're great and not any of the crap they say you are.
You just cannot stand that they refuse to see it or admit it to you. It's very frightening to think what if no one ever does? We're not so addicted to N's.
We're addicted to A's. All people depend on some amount of seeing themselves through the eyes of others. N's shove that fun house mirror in your face and it just stuns you.
You feel so bad because they rip away every other mirror in the world. If you look in the bathroom mirror, you just see how tired and hurt you are. Connect with sane people everywhere you can.
Look in those mirrors. You will pretty quickly say "There I am" "Whheeeww" No one can see it alone in tears with only the N popping in to tell you what is. I'll shut up soon lol.
I'd just like to say that even if we are not perfect...
So What? Who the Hell is? I know all kinds of unattractive, mean spirited, people that are not too bright but have partners loving them to the moon.
Hostages and POW's live better than a lot of us do. We all just experienced insane you can't measure. You a little rough around the edges?
? So What? It's amazing to me that we aren't all catatonic in a home someplace.
So much less snapped them into N's. You know??
All things considered, it's good to be us girls
I've really had it with thinking "What's wrong with me?" "Why can't I stop crying" "I should be doing so much" "I must be a wreck because I can't get a grip" "Why do I love him" I ask you all..
.How in the world could anyone live this and react any better? Cher dates an N's and gets dumped.
Haley Berry, sex addict husband that's an N. Elizabeth Hurley, Hillary Clinton , nuff said (lol, Poor Hillary) ..
...
..Help me make this list.
If we were in worse shape, the same, or ten times the women we are...
we'd still be objects to N's and still be devastated in the carnage they leave behind. It's wrong to take it personally. So very hard not to, but so important.
Love your kids, love yourselves, then think very carefully about who else is truly deserving of your love. Make sure your N is not on the short list. No good can come of it.
I've lived through so much.
I've lived a long time. I cannot ever remember running into people as warm, wise, selfless, kind, caring, honest, and strong as I see here everyday.
Lord knows I wish I'd never set eyes on my N. However, I'm proud to be one of you. Each and every one of you is welcome at my house for Christmas, New Year's, and all the days in between.
I have no idea how close or far you may be. If you're up for a road trip, my door is open) I'm a complete post N mess but the food is great and the bar is full lol. Seriously, we have 3 days.
How hard would it be to make little groups close to home and make it a little better for each other. Can anyone analyze my mood? haha.
My world is a mess. I should be weeping and spent. Instead, I'm so sick of it all, I feel like exploding.
I want to make all Ns burst into flames and make all of us happy and take on the world or something. I've got few emotions today, all closely related to angry indignation. Is this a phase too?
? I really thank you all. It's one thing to look at your own personal Hell.
It really does something to me to look out at the big picture...
to see so many lives ravaged by Ns, Ps, BPD's. I never knew these people existed or how epidemic this kind of hurt was. It makes me want to react and in that, I see small things that I can do.
Do in general, do for others. I think I forgot that I can do anything. Sure feels like being dragged through a nightmare with no control sometimes.
The small things lead to bigger things and I do remember that I can do them all.
How do I thank you all for that?
downfallMemberMember # 7430
Posted: 1:24 PM, January 6th (Saturday), 2007
I got that one.
"Psychologists suspect that the cause of narcissism is severe mental or physical pain in childhood at the hands of a powerful, idealized mother-father figure. Inconsistent parental attitudes on aggression and self-assertion as well as childhood experiences of being valued for specific, precocious talents seem to be the prime determinants. They never learned who to identify with -- the aggressor or victim, and they developed a pragmatic philosophy of siding with winners, regardless of who was in the right or wrong.
In fact, they believe that the "good" is usually changeable and fickle while "bad" is stable and predictable. They live life by idealizing those who satisfy their narcissistic needs and systematically devaluing and denigrating those who do not. Underneath their superficial charm, they feel they have a right to control, manipulate, exploit, and be cruel to others.
"
from
Topic: question for BS
strike2MemberMember # 12398
Posted: 8:36 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
what is the best advice you can give us WS.. on how to repair what we have done?
don't reply by being mean or hateful. if so..
don't
cjonesjagMemberMember # 10617
Posted: 8:45 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
strike...
you'll not find many here who would 'bash' you for asking this question. In fact, I think most BS's would genuinely appreciate the "asking" by a WS!
You may want to move this to general, though.
Mods may do it for you.
You seem as though you're already through half the battle. You're posting here and genuinely looking for help.
REALLY...
just the fact that you're not burying your head in the sand and just "wishing" it would all go away.
Its probably an incredibly difficult thing to watch - the pain inflicted "by you" onto the one you truly love.
Read lots in the healing library, there are LOT of good articles there.
LISTEN (well, read actually) to all the input you receive. There are a lot of people here who have been in your shoes, as well as the VERY supportive BS "side."
Your remorsefullness seems very sincere.
That is very nice to see.. You seem genuinely interested in what people 'tell you', and are working towards a greater relationship with your wife.
Keep up the good work, and ALWAYS remember that it takes patient and consistency!
Me (BS):45 Him(WS):46 (LA832) DDay #1: 09/2005 (EA) - HIM DDay #2: 08/2006 Selish liar Married: 05/2002 (didn't even get to the seven-year itch!)
Me: My glass is almost full!
HIM: My glass is broken, and its NOT my fault.
Posts: 1758 Registered: May 2006 From: Michigan
metamorphisisMemberMember # 12041
Posted: 8:49 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Honestly..
If a BS is over in the wayward forum and willing to reply I would hope it was because they were trying to heal .. not to be mean and hateful.
I haven't been here long.. but I usually see good honest people trying to heal.
So to answer your question.. What I need to see is a willingness for my WS to get to the root of the problem.
I need him to go to counsiling, read the books on affairs and healing, take a good hard look at what caused him to act the way he did. In short..
I need to see actions mostly because after all the lying the words are pretty meaningless at first. If you need a starting point I would highly recommend getting a copy of "Not Just friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.
It is really an eye-opener. ((Hugs))
Me BS (formerly WS..
. online EA)32 Him WS (formerly BS) 25
I am both cause and answer to my own problems..
.
Posts: 1109 Registered: Sep 2006
ChunkMemberMember # 8189
Posted: 8:49 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Beside the obvious, honesty is the best policy?
Off the top of my head.
Listen with your heart but wear kevlar because Bs are really angry and have a lot to get out and not all at once. They can be great for while then explode with anger, questions etc..
Put yourself in the Bs shoes. How would you feel? What kind of response would you be looking for etc.
..
Don't say things in anger as tempting as it may be.
While the BS is blowing up the worst thing you can do is feed into it. She's angry, so listen, apologize, hug her but don't retort. Don't point fingers.
Accept what's coming at you. My Fwh calls it his debt, the price tag for hurting me. He hasn't had to pay dividends in a long time but knowing that he's up for it is comforting.
Wait to exam the marriage and what went wrong. Fresh Bs don't want to go right there because they are still to hurt to exam anything other than the current situation and how to survive it. When things settle down then it is a good time to look at it together through conversation.
By that time there may have been enough time to really understand what is going on with you and how you got here.
Honesty! Never leave home without it.
Giving, freely without attitude, access emails, phones and an accounting of your activities is a way to rebuild trust
Check in with your hurt spouse several times a day by phone, email, or text. Make sure he/she knows that you are thinking of them. That is especially important when they are feeling less than likable because they have been acting out.
It means you love them in spite of it. It helps to make them feel secure.
Never fail to say I love you, even when the Bs doesn't seem to hear it or like hearing it.
They are getting used to it again.
forgiveness is not always the answer-dignity and self-respect come first.
Posts: 583 Registered: Sep 2005
kdnyAdministratorMember # 760
Posted: 8:50 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
I think the post is ok here.
The BS who are in a place to answer will be fine posting here.
strike2,
Its important to be patient with your BS. Her emotions will be all over the place and sometimes you'll feel confused by that.
Try to just be patient and reassuring. Be honest and consistant. Let her know that you will be there and that you'll do whatever you can to help her heal.
Understand that this isn't something that happens in a short time. Make the commitment to being there for her as long as it takes.
Good luck, I wish you strength and peace.
Dwelling in the "was" keeps us from living in the "now".
Posts: 35271 Registered: Dec 2002 From: A good place :-)
hurtbsMemberMember # 10866
Posted: 8:52 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
No reason to be hateful to a remorseful and repentant WS.
Right now, you need to prove to your BS that you are fully committed to your M.
Words do not carry a lot of weight. Be open and transparent. Answer all of their questions honestly.
Don't get defensive. When they are hurting or angry, comfort them. Hold them, cry with them, be there for them.
Make attempts at wooing them again - buy flowers, plan trips, be romantic spontaneous. Recognize that it usually takes years for a BS to 'get over' infidelity. Be patient and understanding.
Keep posting at SI. You'll get lots of good input here. Just an FYI - most of us BSs aren't in the habit of flaming WSs here.
We all try to be supportive.
Me BW Him FWH Jekyll DDay - April 2006 A - 10 weeks July 2006 - Decided to R
"Character building experiences suck! Why couldn't you have made me mow more lawns as a child?
!"
Posts: 2141 Registered: Jun 2006 From: TX
back2meNew MemberMember # 12118
Posted: 8:54 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Wow strike2. I really do appreciate your post!
It gives me hope that not all WS's just "wait for this to ride itself out" because at times, that is how we feel. We feel that the WS just tells us things about the A to get by, or tell us just enough to satisfy us and just move on. The one thing I can say is, PLEASE TELL ABOUT ALL OF YOU AFFAIRS/FLINGS/ONE NIGHT STANDS, etc.
.. Because we will eventually find out.
And for each new A we find out about, its like starting all over again. Then we feel we can't trust you no matter how hard we try because you are still just spoon feeding us information. I can't tell you how many times I asked my WH, is there anything else you need to tell me.
First I get a no, then I get a new A about 2 weeks later. Its like a job for us, and all we want it is the truth. WE DESERVE THE TRUTH.
I wrote this on another post but I feel if you had the "balls" to start each afair, you should have the "balls" to MAN UP about everything! Hope this helps.
Me-BW (36) Him - WH (35)
"How do you know when your WS is lying?
As soon as they open their mouth!" "Been such a long time..
.I forgot that I was fine." Eryka Badu
Posts: 15 Registered: Sep 2006 From: New Jersey
2SmartWifeMemberMember # 9817
Posted: 8:55 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Goodness.
..shame on anyone who would be mean or hateful to a WS who honestly asks for this kind of advice!
My H and I are almost one year out of DDay. Here goes:
1. Be completely open and honest.
This means answering all questions, whether you want to face the ugly answers or not.
2. Be patient.
Your BS will ask the same questions over and over. Never say, "do I have to answer this again?" Yes, you do.
3. Show your BS that you're thinking of her and what you did. I said something the other day to my H about living in my own personal hell.
He responded that he doesn't invite me to his. He told me that a day doesn't go by that he doesn't think of what he did to me, to him and to us. This meant a lot to me - it's not about just sharing my pain, but knowing that he's living his own.
4. Understand that she is going to be experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions and that it's up to you to help her ride the ride. She will be up one minute; optimistic and hopeful, and in the darkest hole possible the next.
This is normal and you need to be strong.
5. Never, ever say, "I thought we were past all this.
.." when she brings something up.
6. Never, ever say, "I wouldn't have had the A if you hadn't..
." You need to take responsibility for your choices.
7.
Figure out what hole you were trying to fill when you had that A; when you went to that Internet site, when you IM'd those other women. Find the hole in your soul and figure out what you need to do to fix that.
8.
Work on forgiving yourself.
There's a start on it for you!
Me: 50 (BS) H: 49 (FWS) Married 28 years, 2 daughters (21 26) D-Day 12-5-05 ------------------ I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations.
They're more important than sex. (The Big Chill)
Posts: 1215 Registered: Feb 2006 From: Northern Illinois
cjonesjagMemberMember # 10617
Posted: 8:56 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
And Strike..
.never miss an opportunity to show your W how valuable and important she is to you.
Be the person who IS WILLING to talk with her when she's full of anger.
Be the person who UNDERSTANDS the 'why' she is there. Be the person who would NEVER just 'abandoned her' when she is upset.
Its all about making 'amends.
'
In a year from now, you two will be in a much different place. Your A will not be a topic of daily struggle, but will still be there for her.
Give her the gift of being able to say to herself, "my husband did EVERYTHING he could to make this right.
He obviously loves me. I think we can make it through this."
I would give ANYTHING to be able to say that about my situation.
[This message edited by cjonesjag at 9:08 PM, October 23rd (Monday)]
Me (BS):45 Him(WS):46 (LA832) DDay #1: 09/2005 (EA) - HIM DDay #2: 08/2006 Selish liar Married: 05/2002 (didn't even get to the seven-year itch!)
Me: My glass is almost full! HIM: My glass is broken, and its NOT my fault.
Posts: 1758 Registered: May 2006 From: Michigan
CatwomanMemberMember # 1330
Posted: 9:00 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Be sincerely and truly remorseful and regret what you have done.
Don't be defensive. When you are defensive, we believe you are hiding something.
It must be very tough to face a BS's anger and not have anger yourself. Learn to be tough and to temporarily walk away when you are tempted to escalate.
Know that if we choose to stay, we usually do so out of love and what we have together.
Recognize that choosing to reconcile is a gift we are giving you. It may not feel like a gift a lot of days (especially early on), but keep your eyes on the prize. You can get there.
Be honest, even when it kills you. Be honest about everything. Just because you never lied about changing the oil in the car, remember that now is NOT a good time to start.
Don't defend the OP. They engaged in wrongdoing with you. They are not blameless, even though they did not take vows with your BS.
Be an open book. Trust will have to be built from the sub-basement up.
Have a plan to overcome obstacles.
Ask yourself "what will I do if the OP calls? If the OP IMs?" Have a concrete plan in place and share this with your BS.
We need to know your shields are up.
Don't be afraid to hug us and comfort us, even when we are raging and downright scary. It's what we need, even though we're doing our level best to drive you away.
We want to know you are staying with us. We want to know you choose us.
Commit to finding out why you did what you did.
And when you do discover the why, share it with us.
Add heaping doses of time, patience and love. These are the things that do the best and most lasting work.
Cat
FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 18 and 15. Divorced by the grace of GOD. D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03 To OW--Honey, you're welcome to him.
Obviously, you both agree that an erection counts as personal growth.
Posts: 10833 Registered: Apr 2003 From: Massachusetts
greyhavensMemberMember # 9843
Posted: 9:08 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Most people will mention the obvious; be patient, remorseful, repentant and truthful. In addition be prepared to reveal e-mails, telephone records etc.
and account for your time away from your BS. Eventually trust will return and less personal scrutiny will be necessary. Although the BS may demand details of the affair, keep certain information vague.
No blow by blow accounts of lovemaking; no "the sex was fantastic"; no information revealed that would cast your marriage in an inferior light. Remember your BS feels deeply humiliated and is no longer confident about their status in your marriage. Express deep regret for your poor decisions and be prepared to explain why it can never happen again.
This assurance is vital but difficult to deliver.
Posts: 365 Registered: Feb 2006 From: north carolina
somuchpainMemberMember # 12125
Posted: 9:11 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
strike:
I am a BS and 9 weeks out from D-day so still pretty raw. I'll give you my 2 cents.
Act remorseful if you truly are (and I think you are). Answer every question your BS has about the A honestly, even if you know it will hurt. Lying hurts more, trust me.
Be an open book. Keep your word. Be where you say you'll be.
Do what you said you would do. Tell BS daily you love them and want to keep the M. Ask the BS what they need from you.
Communicate, communicate, communicate! Own your shit. The A was not about them.
It was about something wrong inside you. Figure out what that is and get IC/MC if you think it will help. MC is helping us.
Hold BS and comfort them when the emotions go haywire, because it will happen a lot! Remember though that the BS can never fully trust again and your relationship will be forever tarnished. You both need to grieve over the loss of an unpolluted M.
The biggest thing for me is NC and if you are going through withdrawal from the OP, don't show it. Be patient with the roller coaster and just be there. I get the feeling you have a good heart and just got off track.
Good luck to you.
Edited for additional info.
[This message edited by somuchpain at 9:16 PM, October 23rd (Monday)]
"Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
"
Posts: 285 Registered: Sep 2006
HerHarlequinMemberMember # 11871
Posted: 9:21 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Rule #1: Come clean, and tell the WHOLE story and get it over with. However, don't tell more details than the spouse wants -- but DO APPEAR willing to provide as much detail as the BS wants..
.
Rule #2: Do NOT hold back anything and not tell to avoid hurting the BS -- as much as it hurts, and as angry as they might get, it will only be worse if you don't tell and they find out later..
.
Rule #3: When in doubt, go back to Rules 1 and 2..
.
Both for "R" and life in general -- Never confuse efforts with results..
.
Posts: 397 Registered: Aug 2006
solemate1MemberMember # 7683
Posted: 9:21 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Please be honest and answer all questions asked. If you think the answer might be too painful to hear, say that and give BS the choice.
Or say that you will write the answers out for BS to read when they are ready.
My WH has refused to answer many of my questions which gives me a great deal of anger, resentment and an inability to move on. It may lead me to divorce him.
Also NC is a must. Take it from me, my WH refused NC for 16 months. Even though the PA was over before d-day, the fact that he cared so little for me that he actually believed he could be friends with his OW over my objections still haunts me.
Next listen, listen, listen.
And most important to me - do NOT make any attempt to defend your OP from the BS attacks. Let BS vent.
The less you attempt to defend OP, the quicker the attacks will end. My WH persisted for almost 2 years to defend OW and it is a large part of why we are not yet in R but are merely co-existing as parents with me as a sex toy.
Me and WH - 40's, married 13 years Ho - 30, Jerry Springer material D-day: 4/16/04 NC finally instituted?
7/19/05
Posts: 1453 Registered: Jul 2005
really tryingMemberMember # 5311
Posted: 9:21 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
I can add a few:
Make sure your actions match your words
don't think just because she's not talking about it that she's not thinking about it. Read her body language and reach out to her.
Please, Do Not Ask What's Wrong, you both know what's wrong.
If your wife is half as destraught as I was, please don't complain about the laundry, dishes, etc. Instead pick up the slack for her, it will be temporary and one less thing for her to stress over.
I wish the best for you and your family.
Me: BS-46 FWH - 41 My S-21, Our D-13 Married 5/93, D-Day: 11/18/03 Legally Separated: 8/06 Filed for Divorce 10/06
Thank you Lord for thinking about me, I'm alive and doing fine Selfish, lying, cheatin', broken promises motherfucker
Posts: 4222 Registered: Sep 2004 From: southern california
ghostofmyselfMemberMember # 11904
Posted: 9:22 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
hmmmm..
I think this is a great question because for me, it has been a great big step to ask myself the same question.
What could WBF possibly do to make things better? and if he did those things, am I willing to rebuild this love despite the hurt and anger? I am still working out these things for myself, but so far I have come up with these ideas:
For me and probably all BS's the first step is for WS to express true remorse.
Not express true guilt. But true remorse. There is a difference.
Second, if rebuiding is what truly is desired, then WS has to commit to that. That means no fence sitting and absolutely no contact with OP. Also digging in your heels for the real work of healing to begin, instead of running or getting angry when it gets tough.
Third: Open communication. Be willing to talk about the A if necessary (and it will be for a while). Give BS the opportunity to understand you and work through their own emotions, even though it is going to hurt yourself and your BS.
Do not assume that not talking about it will save them the pain. Often our imaginations can be our worst enemies. Plus, the openness will give us the foundation to try to rebuild a trust with you, that was probably destroyed on Dday.
Fourth, TOTAL HONESTY from WS. That means being open with information about the A. But just as importantly being totally honest about feelings about your marriage/ relationship.
Current feelings, feelings during the A, and feelings before the A. Being an open book basically. opening the doors back to emotional honesty and intimacy with your BS that were probably closed off previously.
Fifth: Listening with sensitivity. Triggering is a horrible feeling. Very real and often very unexpected.
Please be patient and understanding, open to talking about our emotions as well as yours.
Last thing: be patient. because it probably will take some time to get over the initial pain and anger.
Try not to sack the relationship (or let your partner sack the relationship) too soon.
These things are not easy to endure. It is hard to say things and admit things that are going to hurt your spouse.
But please understand, we as BS's also must endure the pain of honesty in order to rebuild. Many BS's here have committed to that rebuilding despite their pain. The damage has been done, but if both BS and WS are strong and can endure the pain, then I am convinced (because many here at SI have told me) that a stronger relationship can result.
Good luck to you.
Posts: 1455 Registered: Aug 2006 From: cali
cjonesjagMemberMember # 10617
Posted: 9:24 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
strike2..
betcha didn't think you get THIS much support did ya?
In addition to all these great comments, know that when you become completely 'transparent' to your BS, you can (hopefully) avoid a DDay#2.
And I'm NOT saying that you have any intention of going "back", just that when you commit to an 'open and honest' relationship with your W, its almost impossible to hide the "secret" of an affair.
On a serious note, Strike2 - I want to thank you for asking this question in such a heartfelt manner. YOU are who I wish my WH could 'become.' Someone looking for what THEY can do to 'fix it', instead of searching for something/someone to place "blame" on, or avoiding it altogether.
ALL of us here at SI will be cheering for you.
[This message edited by cjonesjag at 9:46 PM, October 23rd (Monday)]
Me (BS):45 Him(WS):46 (LA832) DDay #1: 09/2005 (EA) - HIM DDay #2: 08/2006 Selish liar Married: 05/2002 (didn't even get to the seven-year itch!)
Me: My glass is almost full!
HIM: My glass is broken, and its NOT my fault.
Posts: 1758 Registered: May 2006 From: Michigan
ghostofmyselfMemberMember # 11904
Posted: 9:25 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Oh yah AND:
lots of attention and reassurance may not hurt either.
Posts: 1455 Registered: Aug 2006 From: cali
bowagMemberMember # 11435
Posted: 9:30 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
strike,
It has been said, but I want to re-state it.
You have already started doing the right thing. You are here and asking for help. I won't rehash the rest.
It is all good information.
But something that I haven't seen is directing your BS here. I don't know how receptive she would be, but if she is willing she will be welcomed with open arms.
And it will give her an outlet to put some of her feelings out and to get "second" opinions on how she is feeling. There is nothing worse that feeling alone. Most people cannot help because someone cannot understand until they experience this.
And here is a wonderful group of people that are willing to help both of you.
Good luck and thoughts of strenght,
Craig
I am weak. I am raw.
Me BS=34 Her WS=38 M=15 seperated Jan 06 (she left) dday late may 06 (don't remember the day) R starting today (8/10/06) not really (continued contact)
Posts: 552 Registered: Jul 2006 From: mentally lost physically in Michigan
38 hurtingMemberMember # 4602
Posted: 9:39 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
strike2 Welcome to SI.
Along with everyone else that told you Honesty, accountability, NO blaming the BS, being an open book,and COMMUNICATION.
No contact with AP, if it does happen, tell the BS.
When the BS triggers, and they WILL. Hold him/her. Reassure them.
Constantly.
The BS has taken one of the worst hits any human can take. Depression, fear, anger fight or flight response kicks in.
The BS will have trouble staying focused, eating, sleeping.
IC and MC.
2SmartWifeMemberMember # 9817
Posted: 9:41 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Oh - and I forgot.
Diamonds help too
Me: 50 (BS) H: 49 (FWS) Married 28 years, 2 daughters (21 26) D-Day 12-5-05 ------------------ I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex. (The Big Chill)
Posts: 1215 Registered: Feb 2006 From: Northern Illinois
strike2MemberMember # 12398
Posted: 9:48 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
back2me.
. that is exactly what happened to me..
she found out about the ea.. she asked me ?
and i answered. she asked me if there was anything else and i told her no..
but there was and she found out. so for anyone out there who is tring to keep hurtful things from their bs..
don't. they will find out and it is soo much worse then..
i know that if i would of come clean the first time.. i would be about 2 weeks further along in the r process than i am now.
.
thanks for all the support and caring responses..
i am truly remorseful for what i did and i am trying to find in myself what caused me to think that what i did was ok in my mind.. that is the root of my problem right now.
. (( hugs for all the bs)) sorry you guys are all going through the crapola us ws's put you though
Me: FWS (30) Her: BS (30) Children: 2: boy and girl Dday Sept 06 Online EA Working on R together
"If I ever go looking for an adventure again, I won't look any further than my own back yard."
Posts: 533 Registered: Oct 2006 From: Indiana
numb and scaredMemberMember # 9908
Posted: 9:50 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
Strike,
You have gotten wonderful advice tonight.
...
.in fact, such good advice that if consolidated, would make for a great pamphlet for any WS asking your question.
I will only add.
...
.
If you do love your wife..
..then "LOVE HER".
...
LOVE HER while you do anything else in the course of any day or night.
Just LOVE HER..
...
.
Me- BS He- WS LTA "I am still standing..
.."
Posts: 1455 Registered: Feb 2006 From: USA
cjonesjagMemberMember # 10617
Posted: 9:55 PM, October 23rd (Monday), 2006
I'd like to nominate strike2 for "WS of the Year.
"
You can feel his honesty, his sincere remorsefullness, and his genuine commitment to repair the damage he has caused.
Kudos for strike2
Me (BS):45 Him(WS):46 (LA832) DDay #1: 09/2005 (EA) - HIM DDay #2: 08/2006 Selish liar Married: 05/2002 (didn't even get to the seven-year itch!)
Me: My glass is almost full!
HIM: My glass is broken, and its NOT my fault.
Posts: 1758 Registered: May 2006 From: Michigan
JonoMemberMember # 8099
Posted: 3:40 AM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
There has been much good advice given here. In addition to that given above and from a slightly different angle, there were specific issues or milestones that mentally gave me / her great relief once passed:
1 knowing that my WS really understood what had driven her to have an affair in the first place and the true nature of her relationship with the OM.
Knowing she had a clear fix on what was true love and what was infatuation/lust/limerance;
2 knowing that the OM was no longer a factor in her thinking that knowledge removed any extraneous interference from my thought processes and set my imagination at rest;
3 forgiving your WS (forgiving does not mean forgetting) prior to that she lived under the misguided apprehension that I might change my mind and throw her out at any moment and that fear held her back from the reconciling process;
4 knowing that my WS was really remorseful. In our case I happened to walk in on her one day and she was crying. The magnitude of what she had done and the damage she had caused had really sunk in.
That was a very tangible moment for me.
In going forward as the WS you need to let your BS know that you too are fragile and while you do not necessarily expect sympathy scathing attacks hurt and make you go to ground which is in no-ones interests. The sooner you can agree a positive, neutral approach in really understanding where you both are coming from, your expectations going forward and what you need from each other the more constructive your communication will be.
One other thing I found great was the use of writing for some of the highly charged emotional questions that I needed answers for. By asking and answering those in writing gave time to remove ambiguity and remove the distractions and heat that occur in a conversation.
Jono
Posts: 319 Registered: Sep 2005
What About BobMemberMember # 8572
Posted: 12:39 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Best way to repair things in my book are
1) change your ways.
2) total 100% honesty is a must 3) give it time and be understanding if a BS is having a day where they are working through anger issues, etc.
"actions speak louder than words"
"Having a soul mate instead of a roommate was what I signed up for..
.wonder if she has a return policy for false advertisement?"
Posts: 1215 Registered: Oct 2005 From: South
JackedandJiltedMemberMember # 12401
Posted: 12:54 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Be 100% honest and truthful, be prepared for questions you are really uncomfortable answering.
Be aware of your BS's mixed up emotions when they all surface in rapid fire succession. Be patient with the same questions being asked over and over. For me it takes allot of time for stuff to finally start sinking in.
Me-FWS/BS Her-FBS/WS D-day 07-05-06 I guess it's called R'ing
Posts: 58 Registered: Oct 2006
karmasnmfMemberMember # 12370
Posted: 1:03 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Strike2, The only thing that I can add is this:
Do something for her that she would not expect.
I found out about my WH's ONS 12 days before my b-day. I told him that I wanted him to do something creative and thoughtful, no flowers, dinner and a card.
He packed my bag and planned a beautiful weekend away.
For me, I needed to SEE that it was all about me.
Also, if she pushes you away, give her a minute and go back to her.
Good Luck. -karma
Posts: 227 Registered: Oct 2006 From: New York
libragirlMemberMember # 7765
Posted: 1:06 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
I was and still am a BS, but I give you hugs for the commitment and attitude you have toward change and wholeness. IMHO here is my advice:
COMMUNICATE about everything you are thinking and feeling,even if you don't think she will want to listen to everything, or you don't think she is listening.
She may not want to look at you but believe me we hear everything being said.Try not to get frustrated to the point where you stop talking to her when she doesn't act like you want her to.
Look for ways to compliment her on a regular basis, support what she says without giving justifications, hold her hand or hug her while talking to her, touch her head, hair, face.
Don't take it personally if she pushes some of that away. She doesn't know what to trust anymore.
Learn to listen to her verbal and non-verbal communication.
The non-verbal sometimes tells someone more than words.
Take a good look at her and realize she is your BEST FRIEND, someone to grow old with, someone you can be your authentic self with, someone to laugh with and cry with. She accepts you and loves you, after all, you are the person she fell in love with.
In a marriage both of you are going to see the best and the worst sides of each other. You are both going to have good days, bad days, sad days.Things will be taken out of context, the issue you start fighting about is usually not the issue you end up fighting about, because old hurts and wounds somehow get intergected into the foray.
BE HONEST!!!
!, with not only her but with yourself. Admit when you are wrong, don't ever be afraid to apologize.
Realize that you don't have to be perfect, just human.
You both are very vulnerable right now, and you both need to feel valued. You both have the powerd to be the best you can be, and make your marriage and relationship the same.
I wish you much love and luck.
Posts: 86 Registered: Aug 2005
libragirlMemberMember # 7765
Posted: 1:11 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Just a quick addition:
DON'T GIVE UP NO MATTER HOW HARD OR PAINFUL IT IS!!
Help her to realize how much she is worth to you. It speaks volumes.
Posts: 86 Registered: Aug 2005
SA0731New MemberMember # 11874
Posted: 1:25 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
I have been lurking for a long time now and haven't posted my story, I will one day.
I just had to say how much this thread has brought me to tears. It is so RIGHT ON THE MONEY!!
! Maybe one day I will share this info with my man and quit sweeping it all under the rug.
Sorry to hijack your thread, but I felt compelled to respond.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
ME: BS 36 HIM: WH 33 Married 2 1/2 years 4 teenagers between us
Posts: 27 Registered: Aug 2006 From: under the rug
Deeply ScaredAdministratorMember # 2
Posted: 1:34 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Hi SA..
.good to have you here
BH = Mangled Heart - the good guy D-day: April 5th, 2000 Reconciliation going beautifully! "You don't need to know the pan is hot if you smell the bacon cooking" ~ Charles Nash
Posts: 53657 Registered: May 2002
loveforeverMemberMember # 12082
Posted: 1:57 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Strike, I think it has all been said.
Some BS need more details than others. I want it all only because then my imagination takes over. Over the year or so I got info piece by piece form my FWH.
Getting that info probably took years off my life because H always gets so upset. Whenever he does open up, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders until the next time I swing back in question mode. I am not afraid to ask questions.
I am just wiser picking the times to ask the questions. What would really make me feel trust in him 10X over is if he would tell me the story without me asking. I really wish he would share his thoughts with me and tell me about how he felt at the time etc etc without me asking.
Then I would feel as if he has fully let me in and I am on the inside with him looking out the window at the affair outside.
Posts: 89 Registered: Sep 2006
ClintMemberMember # 11711
Posted: 2:00 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
What kills us some of us the most is not necessarily the actual sex that happened, but the deception and shenanigans that occured before, during, and particularly after the discovery of the affair.
If still engaged, confess.
It would have meant the world to me than discovering it in big chunks with a lot of lying, ass covering, and deception mixed in.
Once out in the open, look to cat's post.
[This message edited by Clint at 2:04 PM, October 24th (Tuesday)]
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Posts: 897 Registered: Aug 2006 From: Wisconsin
jgigglesMemberMember # 10305
Posted: 2:16 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
The best advice I can give you is to ask your BS what she needs from you.
If it would make her feel better to have access to your phone, email, etc. give her any/all passwords. Be accountable for any time that you are not with her - call her to check in, be home when you say you will, if plans change let her know.
If she is having a trigger, comfort her and acknowledge that what may be insignificant to you is VERY upsetting to her. Hug/kiss her several times a day; hold her; tell her she's beautiful and how much you love her; reassure her that you will try to repair the damage you have caused.
I also strongly suggest MC, not only to strengthen your marriage, but to improve yourself also.
Offer to answer all of her questions. She may be fine for a few days and out of nowhere, have a question. Answer it without argument.
Think of your relationship as a garden. You have to clear the land, plant the flowers, water it, fertilize it, protect it from the elements and pests, nurture it. It's a long process, but in the end, you have a very beautiful garden.
Me: 28 Him: 29 Married: 1 1/2 years; together 6 years He likes to talk to women behind my back and has been caught 3 times.
DDay #1 - Dec. 2005 DDay #2 - April 4 DDay #3 - May/June
Posts: 231 Registered: Apr 2006 From: Pittsburgh
strike2MemberMember # 12398
Posted: 3:33 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
we have talked to great lengths about the ea.
. i have divulged all information to her. i answer any of the questions she has had and asked.
i wrote a nc letter and have and will not break it.. i love my wife with all my heart and am fully commited to her and our marriage.
.
Me: FWS (30) Her: BS (30) Children: 2: boy and girl Dday Sept 06 Online EA Working on R together
"If I ever go looking for an adventure again, I won't look any further than my own back yard."
Posts: 533 Registered: Oct 2006 From: Indiana
ladyvorkosiganMemberMember # 8283
Posted: 3:39 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
One other thing is to be proactive and ask her how she's feeling.
Like, invite her to talk about it, ask you questions, etc. I mean, you know you can tell when it's eating at her, right? I know you can tell.
She gets that look, but maybe she's not the type that always wants to put it out there herself. So, instead of squeezing your eyes shut and hoping against hope that she will talk herself out of saying anything..
.invite her to do so. Treat it like an opportunity, not a burden to avoid.
Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. - Cordelia Chase, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Posts: 1834 Registered: Sep 2005
runoverbytruckMemberMember # 11752
Posted: 3:58 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Empathize with her. She has a "hole in her soul".
Let her feel her pain. She has to. Tell her how much you wish you could take it away.
Be honest. Always. Never EVER tell her another lie.
Even if you are trying to surprise her--just say, "Please don't ask, I'm trying to surprise you." You never feel like you can get a handle on anything when you are dealing with lies. So don't lie.
Let her talk about the A or her feelings as often as she needs to--and it may seem like it's way overboard. So what. Do it.
And NEVER get upset OR act like you would rather be doing ANYTHING else.
And most importantly, YOU talk about YOUR feelings. Someone back there said: "I said something the other day to my H about living in my own personal hell.
He responded that he doesn't invite me to his. He told me that a day doesn't go by that he doesn't think of what he did to me, to him and to us. This meant a lot to me - it's not about just sharing my pain, but knowing that he's living his own.
" I can't stress enough how important this is. If you feel bad for doing this to her--TELL HER. Do not, however, go on and on about how much it hurts you.
It's nothing like her pain, and she'll resent you saying so. I wish so much that my H would initiate a conversation about our situation instead of being a "good boy" until I want to talk. If he would just say, "You know what I was thinking.
.." or "I saw something today that made me feel.
.." It paves the way for excellent communication in the future which, from what I gather from successful old timers here, is the key to it all.
Good luck, and thank you for asking.
Remember that what you do with what happens to you is more important than what happens to you.
If God leads you to it, he will lead you through it.
The right thing is not always easy, but it's always the right thing.
Posts: 719 Registered: Aug 2006
RaineyDazeMemberMember # 11718
Posted: 4:12 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Acknowledging and trying to understand the depth of what's been done will be more appreciated than flowers or jewelery. Answering all of her questions even if you don't know why they want to know.
Instead of saying you'll do anything, ask them what they need -- it's more genuine and sounds like less of a bargaining method.
Me - 30 (BS) Him - 27 (WH) D-Day - 7.29.
06 Married - 10.29.05 No kids WH in process of filing UPDATE: 10.
30.06 - R?
Posts: 98 Registered: Aug 2006 From: Florida
sundevilMemberMember # 11791
Posted: 4:12 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Like everyone else has said, honesty is the most important thing.
Patience is also just as important. The feelings we go through change day by day, minute by minute. Do not expect her to get over it any time soon.
And please do not ever say "Just get over it". My h has said this a couple times and all it leads to is a major setback for me. All bs's know we have to get over it(or "move past it" as I like to say because it sounds less harsh), but in our own time.
If she is angry, then let her be angry. If my h tries to tune me out or get defensive, it just makes me more angry. And never ever ever miss an opportunity to tell her how much you love her!
Ashes_insideMemberMember # 12126
Posted: 4:13 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Thank you for asking us. I hope our answers help.
First and above all, NC.
The A must be over completely and totally for any healing to really begin.
Second, Honesty. Not coldly tossing out "truth" but sharing the truth.
For it to be truth it has to pass thru you to your partner. That means you have to own it to share it.
Third.
..patience.
Know that there is no time where the BS "should drop it already or just get over it". Their world, illusions, trust is gone. It won't come back the same way or at any set speed.
But being patient, honest, and totally loyal will speed it all up.
Transparency..
.this is really a part of honesty. Think of the BS as someone who's recently had their house broken into.
They need to check all the locks on the doors and windows all the time. Let them do it. It's fundamental for easing a level of anxiety that few people can understand.
Finally, be willing to work on yourself. A's don't happen because of the BS..
.they don't even happen because of the M (though these things can pull it all along). They happen because the person in the A isn't owning their own feelings or communicating them well.
Be willing to look inside and then reach out to IC or books and your BS and make the changes in yourself that make you complete so you can fully engage in a loving partnership.
SI is invaluable in helping most of us realize these things. I can't say how lost I'd have been as a BS (or my W for that matter) without the lessons and insight found here at SI.
All the work that's starting now would have just ended that first week.
I'm glad you are here, though sad you had to find your way here. But above all I'm glad you ask this question.
Keep working and hoping. This is how we get back on the right track.
No matter where I go, there I am.
Posts: 251 Registered: Sep 2006 From: West Coast
cheerleaderMemberMember # 3246
Posted: 4:17 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
didnt read the replys...
the first words tha tcame to mind upon seeing this is ..patience.
..time.
..effort.
..honesty.
one of the biggest things fo me has been that my spouse make the effort to see me talk to me call me and make me feel important...
see during hte affair so much time and effort were devoted to that adn htat alone...
hes done that ten fold...
the fact your asking for such is a compliment to you...
your thinking about it...
your looking for the ways to work things back into to your life...
my hats off to ya...
.i wish you well
WEll F@#* me running..
some days its just not worth the effort to chew thru the restraints:}
Posts: 19173 Registered: Jan 2004 From: we are never really sure are we?
lovinggraceMemberMember # 12267
Posted: 5:00 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
I'm with cjonesjag, I, too, would like to nominate you for WS of the Year!!
!! I ditto everything said in the previous posts.
I'm going to print this out for my H as soon as I figure out how to avoid using a whole ream of paper in the process!!!
Posts: 175 Registered: Oct 2006 From: tenneessee
strike2MemberMember # 12398
Posted: 5:13 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
grace
well i have a long way to go. on me and my marriage..
but i appreciate the nomination i am suprised to see all the bs who are willing to answer here without the anger and pain clouding their answers.. thank you all for your support ( i sound like a politician )
Me: FWS (30) Her: BS (30) Children: 2: boy and girl Dday Sept 06 Online EA Working on R together
"If I ever go looking for an adventure again, I won't look any further than my own back yard.
"
Posts: 533 Registered: Oct 2006 From: Indiana
ipcnmMemberMember # 12428
Posted: 5:40 PM, October 24th (Tuesday), 2006
Looks to me like you get that being a BS is bs . I comend you now would it be possible for you to or any one for that matter teach my hubby cause he says hes sorry but he hasnt shown it like you, it seams you are trying to ,and all the answers you got to your ? the one that would help us get threw this is the be supporting cry with them tell them where you are be where you say call when your wher abouts are questionable even when there not and be really loving from your hart not just cause you dont want to lose what you got or dont want any one else to have whats yours .
Let it be real . to many lies, tricks and the like have taught what not to trust being real will teach to trust again. dont give up on your self or her.
whats this? I ask this question with every new curve ball I am hit with. Me BS 39 Him WH 39 I hope someday he finds SI, I know he's hurting too, the man he once was would be.
Posts: 287 Registered: Oct 2006 From: new mexico
921LisaMemberMember # 7849
Posted: 2:34 AM, October 25th (Wednesday), 2006
I didn't read all the posts, but I'll try to throw in a few helpful hints that may have been missed.
1. confront any friends or family that know of the affair.
Apologize if you put anyone in an uncomfortable position. Apologize to family and friends for hurting your wife. Tell them you love her and did the worst thing you could, and it will never be repeated.
Don't make excuses, just facts, "I did it, it was wrong." The point to this is, these people will talk to your wife. Don't make her have to defend you, or her decision to stay.
Give these people reasons for her to stay. It will help to keep her out of uncomfortable social situations.
2.
When she pulls away, go to her. When you want to pull away, go towards her. Try to get an agreement with her, always move closer when you want to pull away.
3. Be her safe place to fall. Let her get her anger out (better than it coming up and biting you in the butt as displaced anger for the rest of your life).
Let her get her fears out. Be the person who's shoulder she cries on. Help lift her up, by listening.
4. Court her again. You read in JFO and general a lot of BSs thinking of revenge affairs.
It sounds like anger, but I think there is a bit of "I missed out on the butterflies" in the messages. do the flowers, opening doors, carrying heavy stuff, romantic dinners, the stuff you did for her when you were "dating".
5.
Invest in HER LIFE. What does she enjoy? Join in.
Support her. Be her cheerleader.
6.
Don't make her dig details out of you. Make a timeline of the affair, all the details you can remember. Where you went, what you talked about, how often you had sex, where you had sex.
How contact was made, how you met, etc...
Add the "rationalizations" you made to yourself to enable you to go through with it. But word it "factually", don't make it sound like "justifying". "I did it because I could" sounds better than, "I've been unhappy for a ga-zillion years and this seemed like a good move towards happiness".
Then answer any questions she may have (this may go on for months till she resolves it in her head). Get this phase over pronto, deal with it so the two of you can move on.
Your actions tore her down, now its time for your actions to build her up.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (Mr Sim York Soo)
Posts: 394 Registered: Aug 2005 From: Texas
strike2MemberMember # 12398
Posted: 3:55 PM, October 25th (Wednesday), 2006
ipcnm.
. does he know about this board??
or does he post here??
Me: FWS (30) Her: BS (30) Children: 2: boy and girl Dday Sept 06 Online EA Working on R together
"If I ever go looking for an adventure again, I won't look any further than my own back yard.
"
Posts: 533 Registered: Oct 2006 From: Indiana
strike2MemberMember # 12398
Posted: 7:35 PM, October 25th (Wednesday), 2006
glad this thread is helping more than just me
Me: FWS (30) Her: BS (30) Children: 2: boy and girl Dday Sept 06 Online EA Working on R together
"If I ever go looking for an adventure again, I won't look any further than my own back yard."
Posts: 533 Registered: Oct 2006 From: Indiana
HippyGirlMemberMember # 10966
Posted: 7:43 PM, October 25th (Wednesday), 2006
PM for you Strike.
M-FWW 41 H-41 Married 22 years AP-Former Single Co-Worker 52
We must become the change we want to see.
Mahatma Ghandi
Posts: 1296 Registered: Jun 2006 From: Colorado
heartsolostMemberMember # 12046
Posted: 7:50 PM, October 25th (Wednesday), 2006
The only part about the honest thing I can add is be honest about what caused the A. The BS will have a lot of emotions going. Try and stay calm and talk.
Its tough, but this is a good step.
Oh and there is the diamond thing and just spending time and making them feel special. Have a date night and recapture a little part of the life before kids and A.
Good Luck.
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