A quick recap of what happened last episode:

Curtis didn't like Jack working with Assad. Curtis tried to kill Assad. Jack shot Curtis in the neck and killed him.

This means Jack's kill count is up to 2, even if one of them was one of his own people. That's right, currently, half the people Jack has killed this season has been a good guy.
However, the terrorists retaliated by blowing up a nuclear device.

So while Jack's count stands at 2, the terrorists count is somewhere around 12,000. Fortunately, the day is just beginning, so Jack has more than enough time to even things up.
One minor quibble about Jack killing Curtis.

He shot him in the neck. And Curtis died. COME ON!

Two seasons ago, Tony got shot in the neck and he was back up and running CTU in a matter of hours. Curtis is just a big baby.
Also last episode, the president dropped a "not enough time" remark.

Current count, going into tonight's episode:

Bauer Body Count (total): 2
There's No Time: 2

The episode begins with chaos ensuing as the people of Los Angeles run wildly through the streets, trying to escape the mushroom cloud that is ominously floating towards them. Can I just go on record and say that if they decided to make this show about Jack Bauer killing radiation-created zombies, it would be the greatest show of all time? Seriously, the only way it would be better is if he killed them using a sword.

While he was riding a dinosaur.

Jack is trying to recover from just shooting Curtis and finally quitting his job. He's not allowed too much time to recuperate, since somebody needs his help rescuing their buddy from a downed helicopter (why not?

). Jack saves one of them, but I'm thinking at this point, the producers of "24" just have money to burn, so they said "What the Hell, find something to blow up this episode." The helicopter falls off of the roof it had crashed into and blows up.

This inspires Jack. He remembers how great it was when he was the one making things blow up and causing people to die. No more feeling sorry for himself.

He calls Bill back at CTU and tells him "I'm back, baby!", George Constanza-style.

Back at CTU, things are running as smoothly as always.

Actually, to be fair, they are running more smoothly than normal. Even Chloe is acting more or less professionally, which is extremely disappointing, and takes away from her hotness. All of the CTU people are trying to figure out if Fayed could have possibly survived the nuclear blast.

Of course he did. He left the scene of the explosion about three minutes before the bomb was detonated. He could be halfway across the state by now!

Meanwhile, over in the storyline nobody cares about, the President's sister's husband is still being detained by the FBI. There are some shady looking characters being held in the same facility as him, and they all think he might be one of them. The President's sister wants him out of there.

However, Special Agent Good Will Hunting Bar Guy has different ideas. He sends a couple of agents in to rough the guy, while planting a wire on him. They want him to blah blah blah and see if the something something something and at some point this will all lead to Jack getting to kill more people in horrific ways.

Speaking of Jack, let's get back to things. Chloe and (what is her ex-husband's name, Morris?) are doing their routine CTU stuff like opening sockets and increasing the number of packets to their systems when a name comes up.

Assad had given them the name of a Russian general who had sold the weapons to Fayed. CTU came up with a list of names that the Russian general had done business with. One of those names on the list is.

..

Jack's father.

That's right. In one of the most shocking turn of events this show has ever seen, it turns out that Jack Bauer..

.has a father. A previously unmentioned father, even when a) Jack's wife and daughter were kidnapped, b) Jack's wife died, c) Kim was on the run, d) Jack and Kim were in situations where they had no one to call or trust, e) the other hundreds of opportunities they would have had to mention a living family member.

So, whatever. Jack's father is on a list of names that the Russian general was in contact with.

Jack calls to his father's house and gets.

..who, his father's boyfriend?

I don't know. My wife thought it was just the butler, but whatever. Jack's dad left yesterday.

Didn't take his cell phone. Didn't tell anyone where he was going. Doesn't sound suspicious.

However, someone is monitoring the call. And that someone calls the bald guy that kind of looks like Ron Howard from last season. The guy with one of those annoying earpiece cell phones.

The guy who was apparently the leader (or at least, a leader) of that mysterious cartel of people behind a lot of the events last season. This someone is revealed not only to be involved again this year, but is also..

.Jack's brother!

Things have suddenly taken a Skywalkerian turn.

Jack calls his brother and they have a nice little heart-to-heart. It's nice to see that Jack treats personal phone calls in the same way he treats business phone calls. Straight to the point, and if you lie, he shows up on your doorstep.

Of course, before he shows up, we get to meet the family. There's his wife, whom I believe is also the wife of Nathan Petrelli on "Heroes," which is also on Monday nights at 8 p.m.

I wonder which show she watches first? If we are to infer from the conversation between Jack's brother and his wife, it appears Jack and the wife used to be an item.

Then there's the son.

Who looks very...

well, let's just say it. The kid is almost obviously going to turn out to be Jack's kid. Which means, in the span of five minutes, "24" has turned from "Empire Strikes Back" to "Days of Our Lives.

"

Jack shows up and there's this awkward "hugging" moment between the brothers. I am guessing this is because there was no love in the Bauer household when they were growing up. I don't mean that their parents didn't show them affection; I'm actually speculating that the concept of "love," as well as other "emotions" were forbidden.

This is the only way to explain the heartless killers these two have grown up to become. Or, they are simply robots, programmed to kill.

Jack, to his credit, tries to talk to his brother and find out where their dad is for almost thirty seconds before he resorts to punching him in the mouth.

Then, in true Jack style, he locks the door, yanks the wire out of the lamp, ties his brother up, and begins questioning him. Imagine being the kind of person who, when they walk into a room, doesn't think "Hey, that's a nice lamp," but rather "Hey, I may have to use the wires on that lamp as a restraining device if my brother doesn't provide the information I want in the next thirty seconds." How could you ever relax?

Jack smacks his brother around and tells him not to scream or he'll cut his tongue out. As proof, he lets his brother smell his breath, which still smells all "esophagussy." He then says to give him the information he wants or Jack will hurt.

Jack's brother: You're hurting me now.

Jack: Trust me, I'm not.

I'm going to keep this episode on my Tivo forever, simply for that line.

The episode concludes with Jack saying "Sorry, you brought this on yourself," and pulling a plastic bag over his brother's head, suffocating him. Imagine the next family reunion. Awkward!

As we wrap up, I'm sorry to say Jack didn't kill anyone this episode. However, he did tell Bill that "there wasn't time" to do something or another, and while it wasn't said with the usual excitement, we're still counting it. Here's the scores:

Bauer Body Count (episode): 0
Bauer Body Count (total): 2
There's No Time: 3
New Words Coined In This Recap: 1 ( esophagussy )