120 Proof Ball: January 2007

For the Armchair Athletes...

Only a select few are blessed with the natural abilities to succeed in the realm of pro sports. For the rest of us, we have to settle for fake sports. No, not curling, video games.

These days, technology is such that video game designers can give each player their own signature moves and remarkable likenesses, all the way down to the smallest detail. Ugueth Urbina's festering herpes sores for example. But if you ask us at 120, we're all about the classics.

And I'm not talking Madden '04. I'm talking the 80s baby! Where it didn't matter if the guy you were controlling was John Stockton or Moses Malone.

He was a rectangle with a couple of sticks for legs and had a face that looked like it came from a word processor. Behold all, 120 Proof Ball's top classic sports video games of all time, complete with recommendations for appropriate potent potables.


The Game: Ice Hockey (NES)

Why: Because pushing around the all-anorexic team with the hockey equivalent of the 1985 Chicago Bears' defense helps ease the pain of decades of female rejection and daddy hitting you.

Recommended Drinking: Stoli..

. on the rocks, of course.


The Game: Cruisin' USA (Arcade)

Why: Because you can drink and drive without worrying about killing anyone or ending up in prison. Brilliant.

Recommended Drinking: Long Island iced tea.

What could be more appropriate for barrelling into oncoming traffic at a buck twenty...

in a school bus.


The Game: Mike Tyson's Punch Out (NES)

Why: Because Max, the guy in the pink jogging suit, is a prime candidate for the next Bud Light, Real Men of Genius spot.

Mr. very questionable looking pink jogging suit wearer! Who can't relate to a guy like that?

Seriously.

Recommended Drinking: Olde English 800. Out of a paper bag.

You'll feel like Burt Young in the Rocky movies.


The Game: Mario Golf (N64)

Why: Work with me here.

You settle into your stance. Check the wind. Line up your shot.

Carefully craft your backswing. And right as you're about to power into a 320 yard drive, your polluted buddy has Princess Peach heckle your questionable manhood with the mere well-timed push of a button. Plus, it's the game on our list that would most seamlessly transition into a pure drinking game.

Recommended Drinking: A drinking game requires shots, right? Jager.


The Game: Track and Field (NES)

Why: The special edition came with that mat on which you could run the races. What could be more fun than swilling a bunch of brew and doing the hundred yard dash over and over again with your friends. First one to puke loses.

Recommended Drinking: Beer. Better yet, malt. Something heavy.

.. like a Mickey's.

The Game: RBI Baseball (NES)

Why: I don’t recall ever playing this game to win. I would just throw at the batter’s head until both bullpens cleared out and the two teams charged the mound to do their best impression of “Tom and Jerry meets the Malice at the Palace”.

After the game, I’d head down to the basement and pull the legs off of spiders.

Recommended Drinking: Miller Lite.

What we'd like to see: As sports fans, very few things are more entertaining than a good brawl.

How come nobody has made a video game encompassing every sport where the sole purpose is to goad the other team into a frantic melee? Bonus points if the fans get involved and you succeed in using a baby as a weapon to swing at your opponent's noggin. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Posterchild for disappointment..

.

Disappointment should be nothing new to Los Angeles Clippers fans. After all the team has been mired at a level best described as somewhere below mediocrity since it's move to the city of angels from San Diego.

That is, until last season. The emergence of Elton Brand and an uncharacteristic loosening of the purse strings by notoriously stingy owner Donald Sterling led the redheaded stepchild of Los Angeles basketball to the second round of the playoffs. This also led such diehard hopefulls as my partner in crime, Todd, and Alex the Cliper fan to believe that the suffering would soon end.

Imagine their disappointment this year. Projected to be one of the top teams in the Western Conference, the Clips are below .500 and need a resurgence of Lakerian proportions to be taken seriously in the playoff chase.

You would think the Clips would join the rest of the wannabe contenders in the West, and take steps to shore up the weaknesses of their team. The Rockets, with the uncertain health of Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming are rumored to be on the lookout for a scorer. The Lakers are reportedly trying to acquire an inside defensive presence.

So the Clips should be looking for a slashing guard/forward who can play D and chuck the occasional three, right? A Raja Bell type, perhaps?

Reality: In a curious and rather dubious move, the Clips have signed Alvin Williams to a 10-day contract.

As Todd so eloquently pointed out, this can only mean that they're trying to acquire every crappy former Toronto Raptor with the last name Williams; Aaron is already there. Now if they can just get Jerome Williams, Walt Williams, Herb Williams, and Michael Williams to come out of retirement, they can complete their quest.

More on this: I'm paraphrasing as this was relayed to me anecdotally by Todd.

The following is from a conversation between he and Alex the Cliper fan while playing NBA Live '05, and Alex selects the Raptors for his team.
ATCF: Hey. I've got two guys named A.

Williams. Funny..

.
Todd: Yeah. Alvin and Aaron.

ATCF: Who?
Todd: Not sure, but they both suck about equally.

Related: Todd cautions our readers: "If you're an NBA Live loyal fan, its probably too late to tell you this, but do not purchase NBA Live '07.

It is a piss-poor game in an otherwise stellar series of games. On the other hand, NBA 2K7 is fairly fantastic, but still not quite as satisfying as an NBA Live that lived up to expectations would have been."

Un Fantastic: Not only does Todd's and my fantasy basketball team blow epically, my chances of finishing respectably in my NFL.

com Playoff Challenge league took a major dump with New Orleans and New England exiting the playoffs stage right. Due to roster change limitations, I will now have a grand total of three player slots usable during the Superbowl.

On the bright side: Not that I have anything against Tom Brady, other than the fact that I can't stand him, I had to drink to him finally losing a big game.

Him and Belichek. I can't pinpoint it, but both of their smug mugs have acquired something resembling a fist magnet in recent years.

Flying Solo: Nobody sober would ever do this, which actually explains a lot, but I'm going to go on a limb and play Rex Grossman as one of my three players (out of 8) I can field on Superbowl Sunday.

Why, you ask? Quite frankly, I don't have a good answer for you on that one. Other than the fact that I will probably be the only one selecting him over Peyton Manning, and that means if he has a huge game, I will likely be the only one benefiting from the fantasy points.

Somebody pass me a cold one. Now.

Redemption?

: Just two days after an tore him apart, Michael Vick has been cleared of wrong-doing by Miami law enforcement officials. The Falcons QB had his water bottle confiscated at Miami International Airport because of traces of a substance that may have been marijuana were found on it.

Our Take: Not that we cheer when pro athletes get arrested for alleged drug-related offenses (unless the athlete is Michael Vick) but this comes as a bit of a disappointment.

The bottom line is, something was fishy about that bottle. Otherwise, Vick would not have been reluctant to give it up in the first place. So which happened.

Does Vick have acquaintances in Florida law enforcement that helped him make this "go away", or was it simply that it wasn't worth the time for police to bother with a pro athlete who has enough money at his disposal to hire a top notch attorney to defend him. After all, the maximum penalty for Vick's alleged possession would have been a fine and one year in jail. Oh well.

We can always count on a member of the Bengals to satisfy our NFL player going to jail fix. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

If I could be like Mike...

.

It has recently come to my attention that I share many things in common with Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. It's actually quite disturbing.

Other than the fact that I'm a short, white dude, we could practically be brothers. Think about it. We're both crappy quarterbacks and neither of us can sneak dubious looking bottles onto an airplane!

The AP reports that Vick had a water bottle confiscated at Miami International Airport that contained particulates "closely associated with marijuana." Me? I had my 1/3 full bottle of Maker's Mark snagged out of my back pocket while trying to board my homeward bound flight from Atlanta yesterday.

Bummer...

So what the hell?: Professional athletes say and do stupid things all the time. It's a product of bribing cheerleaders to do your homework all through highschool and beyond.

But what kind of moron thinks they can sneak something past airport security in the post 9-11 United States?

Don't be fooled: Barry Bonds has already added speed freak to the long list of ignominies that follow him wherever he goes. Now, he's trying to remove sellout.

The aging 'roid freak has recanted his statement blaming his positive amphetamine test on supplements from teammate Mark Sweeney's locker, calling Sweeney his teammate and friend. Great friend ya got there, Mark.

Hmmmmm: I wonder what the selection process was for Bonds in deciding who he would sell out.

Was it as simple as Sweeney's name being the first to come to mind? Had they hung out recently? Is Sweeney the only guy who will actually willing hang out with Bonds during the off-season?

What could it be...

Speaking of hmmmm: Bonds says he believes that Pete Rose and Mark McGwire both belong in the Hall of Fame. Now, why would someone like Bonds say that..

.

Chicken Noodle Souper: It will be the Saints and the Patriots in the Superbowl. You simply can't ignore Drew Brees' superiority to Rex Grossman, and the fact that any time something goes even remotely wrong for the Patriots, either God or the officials ensure that it isn't going to turn out being something catastrophic.

Proof positive is that Pats QB Tom Brady is being linked to supermodel Giselle Bundchen. There aren't too many guys, athletes or not, who wouldn't want to be "linked" to her if you get my drift. So what does this have to do with football?

I actually have no idea. Pass the Bloody Marys. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

You can bet the farm..

.

If you're at all like me, you probably have three defining characteristics right now. You drink too much, you're a terrible gambler, and an even worse fantasy football player.

So take it from me, if you want to make money or win your fantasy football playoff challenge, take the following as gospel. And just as a personal note, I'm going against everything I'm saying so you're practically guaranteed success.

Commandment Number 1: Do NOT start Peyton Manning against the Ravens D.

Better options are Drew Brees against a Lito Sheppard-less Philly secondary, or my mom at her weekly bingo (AA) meeting. Manning historically sucks in the playoffs and the game's best all-around defense is not going to give Harrison, Wayne, and company anything at all downfield.

What I'm going to do: I'm playing him.

He's gotta be due, right? I mean, after all this time spent blowing it in the postseason, how can he not put it all together?

Commandment Number 2: Stay away from the Seattle Chicago game.

The line is going to be fairly small (less than a touchdown for sure) and this one could go either way. Rex Grossman is always likely to turn the ball over 5 times in less than a quarter. However, the Seahawks' secondary is absolutely brutalized by injuries.

To put it in perspective, their nickel back Pete Hunter (who incidentally played a great game against Dallas considering) was brokering mortgages or something like that last week. If Grossman is off, Seattle will definitely cover but Mushin Muhammad and Bernard Berrian are wide open..

.

What I'm going to do: I'm taking Chicago minus the points. I have Shawn Alexander in my fantasy league.

I can't possibly strike out twice here, could I?

Commandment Number 3: Don't fall in love with Jeff Garcia. Yes, he has done a great job since McNabb went down.

But he's not a guy who will light up the scoreboard for 35 points. Brees, with his explosive supporting cast, can and will put up points against a soft pass defense. Anyone who doesn't take New Orleans minus the points is a fool.

What I'm going to do: Philly plus the points. Hands down. How could you not love Jeff Garcia!

!!?

??

Commandment Number 4: Beware of Brady.

The Pats Jets game looked like a blowout but it was close until the 4th. It wasn't until late that Asante Samuel's 4th quarter pick for a td sealed it. Not to mention, the likes of Jabar Gaffney and Reche Caldwell don't exactly strike fear into the hearts of opposing corners.

What I'm going to do: Poor receivers be damned, I'm taking the Pats all the way. Not that I have anything against the Chargers..

.

Commandment Number 5: Bench L.T.

You heard it here first. Do NOT play LaDanian Thomlinson in your playoff challenge this week. If you're on a point system like I am, he takes nearly a third of your allotment.

Not to mention, the Pats had one of the best run defenses this season and they always seem to be up to the task when a big name like L.T. lines up opposite them.

What I'm going to do: Of course I'm playing him. What kind of an idiot benches the league's MVP? Besides, by me putting him in my lineup, he's practically guaranteed to fumble twice and I love seeing the high and mighty get humbled a little.

Commandment Number 6: Dallas over the Lakers next time they meet, spread be damned. There is no way they should lose to a depleted Laker team they way they did. Of course, Sasha Vujacic drilling 80% of his 3-point shots isn't anything that's likely to be repeated in the next 12 generations either.

What I'm going to do: Just imagine how awesome they're gonna be with Lamar Odom back in the lineup!!!

That said, this is the only one where I'm going to take my own advice and go with Dallas. Worst case scenario..

. well, let's not talk about that.

Commandment Number 7: Go with the "feel good story" if there is one.

You know, it's kind of like betting on the horse to win if it's the jockey's birthday or something. Stars have a funny way of aligning like that.

What I'm going to do: Flip a coin.

That should improve my chances by about half, dontcha think? Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Pants on Fire???

Is it just me, or is this whole Nick Saban to 'Bama thing much ado about nothing? For some reason, the former Dolphins head coach is getting a lot of flack for his decision to return to the college game. Sure, he did say that he wasn't going and then changed his mind, but does that warrant a scathing diatribe like by espn.

com's Pat Forde?

Our Take: Ok, so maybe Saban did lie to the media. Maybe he changed his mind, but for argument's sake, let's just say he bold-faced lied.

The catch is, he lied to the media. Reporters. People who seem to treat their jobs as having the obligation to make life as difficult as possible on a public figure.

Are you telling me, Mr. Forde, that if you had the opportunity to reveal something embarrassing or potentially life-ruining about Nick Saban for the sole purpose of making a headline that you wouldn't do it? Doubtful.

Can you blame the guy for lying?

Speaking of Lies: With the MLB Hall of Fame voting coming up, much is being made about Mark McGwire. Will he get in or won't he?

Good question. Does he deserve to? Better question.

Our Take: On the merits of his statistics, he probably should...

perhaps...

kind of. Yes, his career home run totals are impressive, as was his demolishing of Roger Maris's single season record. The thing that works against him is that a significant chunk of his homeruns came in a five year period during which he admittedly used Andro (legal at the time) and allegedly used steroids.

Without those, his career home run numbers might have more closely resembled Dave Kingman's rather than Harmon Killebrew's. He played in more than 10 allstar games but those are more of a popularity contest than they are a measure of a ball player's quality. His batting average would, without doing any research, be the second-lowest behind Bill Mazeroski's of anyone in the Hall.

While writing this article, it seems like I've nearly talked myself into believing that Big Mac doesn't belong. Why would that be?

Our, uh, Other Take: As long as there has been sport, competitors have tried to gain an edge.

Some do that through hard work, some work in gray areas somewhere between allowed and banned, some search for loopholes, and some are just plain shady. Most fans champion those on the level. Most sportswriters are fans too, as evidenced by horribly transparent attempts to hide biases.

Sure, it was disappointing to see McGwire shift uncomfortably back and forth in front of the grand jury while mumbling about not wanting to talk about the past. The look on my face probably resembled..

.. remember when Carl Lewis attempted to sing the national anthem at that basketball game?

Yeah, my face looked like a combination of that of every fan in that building who wasn't deaf, and the way it did when my mom first accused me of having a drinking problem. Equal parts bemused, vicariously embarrassed, and coming to grips with the truth. It almost made you look away from the tv screen, the same way all the genital-revealing scenes in the Jackass movies would.

.. but as usual, morbid fascintion triumphs over will power.

Our Prediction: Spitefulness is an inherent human trait. The qualified Hall voters still bitter with McGwire for not making a defiant, Palmeiro-like statement asserting he'd never touched anything illegal will probably not vote for him. The sentimental ones who still fondly remember how his epic race with Sammy Sosa (whose sudden forgetting of how to speak English in front of the same grand jury didn't win him many sypmathizers) toward the home run record restored baseball's pre-1994 strike popularity will probably vote for him.

The final tally, however, will likely fall short of the required 75% to get in on the first ballot.

Hypocrisy or Otherwise: I'm not taking credit for this; I just cant remember where I read it. But a sportswriter I'm suddenly not fond of compared the cheating of steroid users to that of Ty Cobb, a notorious cheap-shot artist, and Gaylord Perry, an admitted spitballer.

Would it be hypocritical to leave an alleged steroid user whose numbers would qualify him for candidacy out of the Hall of Fame while the busts of Perry and Cobb bask in baseball immortality? I'm not even going to open Pandora's Box and bring Pete Rose into this.

The Bottom Line: Perception is 90% of reality.

To Hamlet, Denmark was a prison. So if someone perceives somebody to be a cheater, to them, that's the way it is. That doesn't necessarily make it so, the same way my parents' perception that I'm heavy-drinking, underacheiving.

.. okay, bad example.

But thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.