Grand Theft Auto as a notion is sickening - a gleefully immoral crime escapade in which players are rewarded for stealing vehicles, gunning down pedestrians and generally embarking on insane killing sprees.
It goes without saying, then, that it is the greatest game franchise in the known universe. In fact, the last instalment - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - was so maddeningly addictive that hecklerspray spent the first half of 2005 doing nothing but playing the game 18 hours a day, living entirely on a diet of milk and peppers like a mentalist mid-70s David Bowie.
It goes without saying, also, then, that we ve already made plans for the upcoming October release of Grand Theft Auto IV. All public engagements have been cancelled, an account has been set up with the local Domino s Pizza (along with the installing of an extra-large letterbox to squeeze the boxes through) and we re finally going to set free that cheerleader we keep in the basement. Let s face it - who needs her sobbing screams when you re trying to complete all the additional Ambulance Missions?
Oh, yes. We re certainly looking forward to Rockstar s latest.
Unlike the City Council of New York.
Posted in , on April 3rd, 2007 |
There are plenty of ways to send Christians into a froth-mouthed rage, but artist Cosimo Cavallaro seems to have struck upon an intriguingly brand new one - he s made a life-sized chocolate statue of Jesus being crucified with his balls out.
Cavallaro s chocolate Jesus statue - titled My Sweet Lord - was all set to be exhibited at the Lab Gallery in New York this week, but after a flurry of outrage from high-ranking Catholics, seemingly furious that an artist has insinuated that Jesus had normal genitalia, the chocolate Jesus show has been cancelled. It s undoubtedly a disappointment for Cosimo Cavallaro, though, who didn t even have time to pump the chocolate Jesus full of Cadbury s Creme Egg filling so that delicious fondant squirted out of his crucifixion wounds.
Posted in on April 2nd, 2007 |
Want to know what s really annoying?
Constant banter about what young people think , that s what. Global warming - what do young people think?
. Imminent thermonuclear warfare - what do young people think? .
Insane religious fundamentalists threatening our lives - what do young people think? .
Bollocks to young people.
Who cares what they think? Y know, there s a reason that we send young people to school for the best part of 16 years: it s because they don t have a clue about anything. Think about it who would you rather have participating in a debate on the Middle East peace process?
A panel of 60-year-old Oxford professors or the cast of Skins?
Not that our opinion is widely shared or anything. Certainly not with those politician-types in the government.
And certainly not with PM-in-waiting Gordon Brown.
Posted in , on March 13th, 2007 |
Hecklerspray HQ is bedecked with bunting, scotch eggs and old Vera Lynn LPs today because it s Commonwealth Day, and we re certainly not ones to let old, slightly embarrassing imperialist celebrations go without some form of commemoration.
We re not the only ones celebrating Commonwealth Day today - the Queen is also doing her bit to remind a third of the world s population that a crinkly old woman in a pink jacket is still their boss.
This year, however, the Queen will deviate slightly from her usual Commonwealth Day celebrations - standing atop a vast pile of dead and dying Commonwealth members, with a disemboweled lung hoisted in the air with one hand and screaming I m in charge! I m in charge! You people belong to ME!
into a loudhailer in front of the world s media - by going to church and basically just professing her love for Shilpa Shetty a lot.
Posted in , on March 12th, 2007 |
In Borat s Kazakhstan, amputees stroll the streets with floppy fist-shaped dildos instead of hands and gays must all wear blue hats - but the US government says Borat himself is a victim of Kazakhstan s human rights violations, even though he isn t real.
US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has just released the State Department s human rights report.
In it, Kazakhstan gets thumped pretty heavily for possible government-instigated murders and human trafficking and the like, but what really irked Rice was the way that the Kazakhstan government banned Borat from using a Kazakh-registered website a couple of years ago. As well as standing up for Borat in the human rights report, Condoleezza Rice also vowed to invade Narnia for keeping it winter but never Christmas and made several mentions of an episode of The Twilight Zone she saw once where there was a camera that could take pictures of five minutes into the future, because that was probably a bit human rightsy too.
Posted in , , on March 8th, 2007 |
In this age of high security, people have to be at their very sharpest.
Air travellers get stun-gunned if they leave bags unattended for even a second, X-ray CCTV cameras can now check inside your guts for swallowed bombs and movie ads can shut down cities.
By now you ll all be aware of the flashing Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie adverts that were placed around Boston last week which - instead of informing the city about a forthcoming unfunny cartoon film based around a very funny TV show - whipped it up into a frenzied screaming terrorist alert that literally closed the city down. And now Turner Broadcasting, the company responsible for Aqua Teen Hunger Force, has donated $2 million as an apology to the people of Boston, probably to start a charity to rehabilitate the crosseyed dimwits who start screaming BOMB!
BOMB! like dickwads whenever they see any kind of flashing light.
Posted in , on February 6th, 2007 |
We normally like stories about celebrities on hecklerspray ndash; Emma Bunton Pregnant, Helen Mirren Wins a Trophy, Dido Found in WH Smith - but when a 19 year old nobody from Coventry decides to cover his head with a tattoo of the most important meal of the day, you rsquo;ve gotta admit that too is worth five minutes of your time.
Dayne Gilbey is a man who likes his ink. He has four tattoos, and, as far as we know, has spent no time in a psychiatric institution. For 19 years on this planet he has resisted the urge to put his head in a gas oven and forget the matches.
Then it happened; he rolled out of bed, brushed his teeth, and decided to have a full English breakfast tattooed on his head. Of course, dinner on your bonce without a knife and fork would look stupid, so he rsquo;s having them scratched on too, one behind each ear to ensure symmetry.
Posted in on January 30th, 2007 |
Pop music has produced some tripe over the years.
Some of our most loathed acts include The Venga Boys, Westlife, McFly, Busted, Five, Take That, Steps and anything from shows like X Factor, Fame Academy, Pop Off, Manufactured Toss Idol, We rsquo;ll Only Be Famous For A Minute Academy and so on.
But of course there rsquo;s always one act that rises above the rest to claim the title of planet Earth s most annoying band/ act/ thing. It s everyone rsquo;s unfavourite pop duo The Cheeky Girls.
After pissing off most of the country with some obnoxious song about not being shy and touching their arse, The Cheeky Girls thankfully faded back in to obscurity, despite desperately trying to claw back some fame by making a few appearances on rubbish TV shows. Sadly The Cheeky Girls are back in the limelight, and in the middle of a hot political scandal. Did we say hot political scandal ?
We meant the greatest love story of our generation .
Posted in , on December 22nd, 2006 |
It s been ages since a rapper got shot, we were beginning to wonder what was up with them all. It s been reported, though, that Fabolous is in hospital after being shot in the thigh last night.
News is coming in that Fabolous is in a stable condition after an unknown gunman shot him in the thigh outside a garage in New York in the early hours of this morning. However, Fabolous and three friends have also been arrested for having two apparently unlicensed guns in their possession, but that s unimportant - we re just so glad that the rapper shooting drought has ended that we re willing to overlook the arrests, and also the fact that we don t have a bleeding clue who Fabolous actually is.
Posted in , on October 17th, 2006 |
It s probably not an overestimation to say that CBGB is one of the most important music venues on the planet.
And when we say is we mean was because CBGB died last night following a farewell set by Patti Smith.
Thanks to an argument about rising rent prices, CBGB owner Hilly Kristal lost his lease, and CBGB closed its door for the final time last night after a lifetime spent nurturing the New York punk scene and then dining off it with T-shirt sales for 20 years. But don t worry because CBGB went out in glorious fashion, plus it s only a matter of time before CBGB Las Vegas opens too, apparently.
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