This whole Anna Nicole Smith thing happened so long ago that we honestly can t remember a single thing about it - we think she had a baby or died or something - so it d be just great to see the whole Anna Nicole Smith story condensed into two hours.
Wait a minute, that s already happening! Even though the general public at large has had so much Anna Nicole Smith stuck up them over the last couple of months that they d rather plunge corkscrews into their eyes than hear another squeak about her, an enterprising filmmaker has already started to crack on with an Anna Nicole Smith biopic, with singer slash actress slash model slash dancer slash tits-out jizz-target Willa Ford being cast as Anna Nicole Smith.
Filmmaker - if you re reading this, we totally look like that German impotent prince guy who didn t father Anna Nicole Smith s baby. Plus we re cheap. Call our agent.
His trolley-collecting shift ends at 2am, so that s when he ll be free.
Acting is probably the most difficult job on Earth. There is genuinely nothing harder in the world than memorising two lines of speech, saying them while being lit to make you look prettier than you really are and getting paid truckloads of cash for it.
Kirsten Dunst knows how hard acting is - in fact, Kirsten Dunst finds acting so hard that she s probably not going to bother doing any more of it. Apparently the experience of some French people not liking a film she was in once affected Kirsten Dunst so deeply that she wants to quit acting forever and do something less demanding - like working on an oil rig, being a cleaner in a nursing home or getting paid to open tincans with her messed-up teeth, for instance.
Posted in , on April 12th, 2007 |
We re starting to believe that Leonardo DiCaprio owns a ticklist of important subjects that need to be made into films, in which case we re looking forward to the Leonardo DiCaprio movie about Moira Stewart being too old to read the news any more.
In the meantime, though, we ll have to make do with Leonardo DiCaprio s most recently announced movie role, in Body Of Lies - a Ridley Scott-directed adventure about a CIA agent who goes on the hunt of an Al Qaeda operative who s planning to blow up America, and then tortures him until, a broken man, he begrudgingly admits that Leonardo DiCaprio s accent in Blood Diamond wasn t as bad as everyone said.
Posted in on April 10th, 2007 |
You know what you re getting with a Will Ferrell movie - no real plot, long improvisation scenes and humour broad enough to drive a down - but the formula seems to work, since new Will Ferrell movie Blades Of Glory is top of the weekend box office.
But that s not to say that Blades Of Glory is just another Will Ferrell film like all the rest - Blades of Glory got the number one US weekend box office spot by being completely different to all the others.
For instance, in Blades Of Glory Will Ferrell plays a stupid over-masculine American man who tries to make a professional comeback fraught with hilarious moments, while in Talladega Nights Will Ferrell played a stupid over-masculine American man who tried to make a professional comeback fraught with hilarious moments in a car. Big difference. Huge.
Posted in on April 2nd, 2007 |
Nobody really knows what the plot of Indiana Jones 4 will be, although now Ray Winstone has signed up as Indiana Jones sidekick, we imagine it ll involve Indiana Jones turning over some nonce wot dun im up like a fackin kipper innit guv nor.
Cockney hardman Ray Winstone has reportedly decided to star in Indiana Jones 4 alongside Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett and - possibly - Sean Connery. It s certainly an exciting development, because the casting of Ray Winstone is bound to take the Indiana Jones franchise down a whole different alley.
Admittedly it s an alley where all the film s epic battle scenes will begin with Ray Winstone bellowing Baaaaahndle! before lurching around indiscriminately, flailing at the approaching Nazis with half a broken bottle of Stella and a snooker cue, but an alley nonetheless.
Posted in on March 29th, 2007 |
It s a fact that the only films being made in Hollywood at the moment are all either going to star Leonardo DiCaprio, be directed by Martin Scorsese or star Leonardo DiCaprio and be directed by Martin Scorsese, just like The Wolf Of Wall Street.
The Wolf Of Wall Street is a new movie based on an unpublished book about a wolf in Wall Street who goes to prison for carrying a dead sheep into the New York Stock Exchange in his teeth. That s what we presume, anyway - the book hasn t been published yet. Anyway, The Wolf Of Wall Street is probably going to be directed by Martin Scorsese and star Leonardo DiCaprio.
While it would be foolhardy to try and second-guess what Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio will bring to The Wolf Of Wall Street, on previous Scorsese/DiCaprio experience we think that it ll feature either dirty police work, a rich man flying a plane or Cameron Diaz being unconvincing to a man in top hat with a funny moustache.
Posted in on March 27th, 2007 |
What with all this talk about Paul McCartney signing to the new Starbucks record label, it s easy to forget what Starbucks is all about - in short, selling ridiculously-named caffeine drinks to smug idiots - but Starbucking works as a handy reminder.
Starbucking is a new indie documentary movie coming out in selected American cinemas very soon with a simple premise.
Starbucking follows John Winter Smith - a man determined to visit every branch of Starbucks in the world. Considering there are now literally more branches of Starbucks than there are actual human beings on Earth, John Winter Smith seems to have his work cut out. We ve yet to see the full version of Starbucking, but Starbucking seems to be a movie about globalisation, a movie about one individual s obsessive compulsive desire to make a mark on the world and - most of all - a movie about a man buzzed off his tits on coffee doing jittery karate moves and going yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi while queueing up in a succession of Starbucks branches.
See the madness for yourselves.
Posted in on March 26th, 2007 |
Yes yes, we know what you re thinking - the only way you d go and see a film starring reunited Titanic leads Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet is if you had the assurance that they both drowned in the iceberg-filled Atlantic at the end of it this time.
Well, there s no such luck there.
True, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are making their first film together since Titanic - the movie that propelled them both to fame - a decade ago, but there ll be no icebergs, Irish jigs or Billy Zane being comically unable to fire a gun properly at short range this time, because the film that Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are reuniting to star in is Revolutionary Road, a depressing-sounding film about postwar disillusionment. But don t worry that Revolutionary Road will be too different from Titanic, because Kate Winslet will still probably get her boobies out - we hear she won t make a film unless a nippleflash is inserted somewhere in it.
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