March

Question to parents: What is happening when you are driving with your children in the car? What is each person doing? Is everyone happy?

A better question: is everyone profiting from the experience? Is this time being used to connect with your children or are you disconnecting from each other?

Many of us spend more time in the car than we want.

Some of the things mothers spend time driving to are: school, homeschooling classes or events, extracurricular enrichment activities, tutoring services, sport practices and games, and playdates. Still more time is spent driving to do errands, to attend family functions, to visit relatives, or traveling to or while on a family vacation. One thing we probably all have in common is that we want this time to be peaceful, meaning no bickering, fighting, or complaining.

Some of us may want to use this time to bring us closer to each other.

Many of us consider time spent in the car as a waste of time . We see the car ride as a means to an end, as a way to get where we are going, where the real thing will happen.

It wasn t too long ago that the only car riding entertainment choices were listening to the radio with a second option for (hopefully) passengers only: reading.

Think back to your childhood: what did your family do while in the car? In my childhood years I remember clearly that what was done in the car was what the adult wanted.

I, as the child, was not determining what we did in the car. When with my parents, I remember listening to the music of their choice, and talking. My grandparents would talk and sometimes listen to music.

Sometimes my grandmother would shop alone and my grandfather would listen to the news on the radio while he waited, patiently, in the parking lot. My other grandmother rarely used the radio, we would talk on our 500-mile long trips to visit relatives up north, or listen to weather reports. I remember talking to my family, reading and doing various puzzle books.

I also remember lots of time spent staring out the window and thinking. Free time is a good thing. Boredom can be a great thing.

Time spent decompressing and relaxing can help people of all ages be excited for other activities and helps us feel grateful when we arrive at our destination and can do whatever it is we were going there to do. Finally, we re here. Hooray!

The current state of affairs in mainstream middle-class America is this: many children are spending their time in cars plugged into headsets and watching a television screen. Presently these screens show DVDs of the children s choice. Custom made entertainment, just what they want, when they want it.

God forbid they be bored or be forced to listen to something not of their individual choosing. Perhaps some children and teens are looking for a way to not have to talk to their each other? Anyway, I hate the idea of these DVD players.

I cringe at the idea that every minute of their time in cars is seen as a way of having constant entertainment. DVD players are becoming more and more common as permanent installations in new vehicles. If you don t have one, your local Wal Mart or Costco will sell you a portable one for your vehicle.

I have talked with a bunch of parents in the last few years about their opinions on DVD viewing in cars by children. I have heard a variety of opinions. Some feel that anything to keep them happy or anything to keep them quiet is desirable, or anything that stops them from bickering is fine and good.

One mother complained that since they installed one, her children wanted it on every minute that they were in the car. She grew angry, and felt that they were good for long trips but not necessary for short car rides around town. She said since having one, more fighting has occurred between she and her children, as she attempted to set limits on their in-car viewing.

She also felt that her children were less capable of entertaining themselves or being alone with their thoughts, which bothered her.

Last year while on a 15-hour car ride, we used a laptop computer with a DVD player, for the first time. It was a nightmare.

My two children fought over what to watch next. They also complained about their headsets, which one hurt their ears, speculation that the other child had the more comfortable one, who had a better viewing angle to avoid sun glare, whose neck was sore from turning it toward the center, etc. We haven t used it since.

You may argue that perhaps with perseverance and parental direction, we could get our children to accept limits and not complain. Frankly it is not a battle that I think is worth fighting. We went back to our old ways: music, audiobooks, reading and talking while in the car.

Portable DVD players with small screens are another option. With these, each child can use their own set and play their own DVD and view it on their own small screen. A seven year old I know takes hers everywhere and while visiting relatives, sequesters herself to a separate room to watch her DVD alone.

These represent the ultimate in personal entertainment: one set in the car is not good enough, so get one for each child. Is this evolution a good thing? Is a visit to Grandma s house truly quality time if the child is not spending time with Grandma but is watching a screen instead?

It somehow seems worse when a child brings their own screen to a relative s house and sequesters themselves away from others than when the relative sets up a television show or video for the child to watch.

Other families have used portable audio players (i.e.

Walkman) in the car. These have been affordable for quite a number of years. In some families each member of the family has one and they each listen to their own unit while in the car.

One thing going for them is while listening one can look out the window, or at other members of the family and may even be able to think their own private thoughts. Audio books may also be played on them, allowing for various members of the family to hear books appropriate for their age and matched to their interest levels. Unfortunately the current fad of the iPod doesn t allow listeners to listen to audiobooks.

If we could download audiobooks for free or very inexpensive prices, I may be tempted to buy the iPod. For now I feel they are a make work project and for the life of me, I couldn t find 5000 songs I d want to listen to. Now if I could download a talk radio show and somehow bypass the commercials, I d love it!

We mostly listen to children s music or family music while in the car together. We have pretty much weaned from Raffi and have moved on to , , and . My sons memorize the songs and sing along with the music.

Okay, I ll admit it, I sing along too (as does my husband, sometimes). We began listening to children s music as a way to keep our babies happy while on long drives. I continue to avoid pop, rock and country music in order to avoid mature and inappropriate language (as well as avoiding some annoying music and avoiding radio commercials).

My husband continues to listen to country music while in his vehicle with our sons. I was less than pleased the day our 6 year-old began singing I love this bar by Toby Keith, specifically this passage, And we got lovers, lots of lookers, and I've even seen dancing girls and hookers . My ears perked up and I saw red.

A call to my husband on his cell was immediately dispatched with a request/order to stop listening to country songs with mature themes. To date I have lost this battle; they are closet country music listeners, I suspect.

Sometimes we ll be driving and talking and I will suddenly realize that when we got into the car, the music was not on.

This allowed the conversation to happen. I noticed afterward that our times listening to good music were nice, but that our boys were quiet (as was I) and conversation was not flowing. I intentionally drive without music sometimes.

It is interesting to hear their conversations with each other and of course I enjoy the conversations we have with each other.

Last weekend I attended and volunteered at a . I was interested to hear what the guest speaker, , breastdeeding advocate and President of Platypus Media, had to say about raising school-aged children with attachment parenting (AP) methods.

There is not a lot written AP with older kids, because so many AP writings focus on specific parenting decisions for babies and toddlers. Dia concentrated on keeping connected with our children. Dia relayed that some of the best conversations she has had with her preteen aged child and older children have been while they were not face to face.

She said that she has heard unbelievable and important things from her children while she was driving and they were in the back seat. She felt that driving in the dark was also a bonus, because the real nitty-gritty comes out when they are in darkness. Dia shared some of what her schooled-children report was going on in school and in their friends social lives.

Dia said she appreciated the dark, as her children were not able to see her cringing or looks of shock or fear as they crossed her face. Another way this not-face-to-face talking occurs in their family is while she is brushing her daughter s hair. I can attest to intimate conversations with my relatives over the phone, which I know never would have taken place if we were face to face.

It makes sense that we lower our inhibitions when we know we aren t facing the person to see their reaction. I hope to remember this car driving conversation tip when my boys are older.

Listening to audiobooks as an entire family is also a wonderful thing.

As the sole adult in the car during long trips, I have listened along with my children to the unabridged Pollyanna, Pinocchio (which is very different than the Disney version), and some of the Henry Huggins books has helped me with my own boredom. Hearing Charlotte s Web narrated by the author himself was priceless. My husband also enjoys some of the books, such as Holling Clancy Holling s Paddle-to-the Sea and Moose Tracks.

My husband and I read books aloud to our children while at home, and listening to audio books in the car together is another way to share great books with our children. Sharing experiences such as hearing a great story together builds connections.

I am also trying to use car rides as a way to learn social skills, communication skills, and certain values.

I feel that avoiding personal audio devices and DVD players in this endeavor is key. Presently my sons must negotiate with each other and compromise about what they want to listen to. Either they come to an agreement on something they both want to hear in its entirety, or they take turns by song or by CD (depending on the length of the trip).

Patience and tolerance is learned while they listen to something that is not their first choice. Hopefully selfishness is not being taught.

My children have always had access to books to read to themselves.

For long car rides, we provide flat writing surfaces (presently large picture books but hopefully someday they will have nice lap desks). They are free to do dot-to-dot books, maze books, or draw pictures. Magazines for children are also available for reading or browsing.

Small quiet toys are also within their reach. I found some great organizer doo-hickey s at Target. They hook around the top of the seat in front of the child.

There are many pockets, zippered and not zippered, that holds writing implements, toys, books, and even a thermal pocket for holding a water bottle. Keeping all their stuff in these hanging pouches helps keep things up and off of the floor of the car.

Our latest investment was a book light called the .

I like the fact that this lies flat over the page and shines an equal amount of light over the whole page, rather than donning a circle of light which is bright in the middle and dim on the edge (such as with our Itty Bitty book light). I also like that there is no exposed light bulb, which children can and probably will break with rough handling. I bought three: one for the adult car passenger and one each for children passengers.

These also can be used for night reading while staying in hotel rooms if keeping the lights off is necessary. I learned about the Lightwedge and purchased mine from , who discounts the price.

In case you are wondering, I also ban handheld electronic games from our household.

Seeing studies linking video game playing with problems learning to read, I banned them until my children could read. When my oldest could read, I continued the ban feeling they are a waste of brain cells. My son would rather choose the limited screen time for television viewing (selected/censored by me, non-violent, and commercial free content, thanks to TiVo).

We are not purists: computer video games are played in the format of educational software or playing the computer version of Monopoly. I also loathe the use of handheld video games at the dinner table or at a restaurant. I feel that when eating together as a family at home, at a relative s house or in a restaurant, it is a social event that requires full participation by all that are present, i.

e. not staring at screens. Talking and eye contact are optional but listening is mandatory.

When kids are staring at screens they are not engaged with sight or hearing. These handheld games are antisocial, preventing interactions. I feel at the core, these devices teach a child that every minute of every day in every place, entertainment is a must and that they deserve to be entertained above all else.

God forbid they be relegated to read a book or magazine while waiting in a doctor s office waiting room! Additionally I don t like them to be used during playdates: here we parents make intentional plans for our children to play together and one shows up with a handheld game; unable to talk or play or interact with other children. They could sit at home alone and play them!

Ditch them during playdates!

For information about the harmful effects of screen time on children, read by Jane Healy. She also has another book that looks interesting that I have not read: .

If parents are feeling disconnected from their children due to separation while they work, or while the children are in school, using car time for communication is easy and free. If you are skeptical about how important parent/child connectedness is, perhaps you should read by Dan Kindlon. At a lecture I attended recently, Kindlon linked disconnectedness to poor self-esteem, childhood and teen depression, teen suicide, poor school performance, drug and alcohol use and in general, unhappiness in life.

When children are plugged into headsets and/or staring at screens, they are unable to communicate with each other and with their parents. Is this a good thing? Is a parent so deprived of news or music that they must listen to his or her own separate entertainment whilst driving?

Doesn t all this screen time teach antisocial behaviors and decrease the ability to learn to communicate with others? How about shutting everything off and just talking, at least while in the car--or at least sometimes?