Sport is rubbish.
Don t argue. It is.
It s the sort of grunting, primitive genital-swinging nonsense that should have died out with the dinosaurs, witch-burning and Lynne Perrie.
But - apparently - a lot of people like sport. To them, the very idea of kicking a ball around and hitting each other when it doesn t land where they want it to is the bestest most special experience in the universe times infinity.
And - what with the ever-decreasing profits seen in cinema chains last year - some crazy Americans have come up with a crazy sport-related plan.
Posted in on March 27th, 2006 |
Want to know what the best Oscar speech ever made was? Look no further than Goodfellas star Joe Pesci, who sauntered onto the platform, hoisted his statuette in the air, looked out into the crowd and said It s a privilege, thank you.
And then left.
Chances are you ll have watched last nights Oscar ceremony (or at least some bubble-headed GMTV round-up of the highlights) by the time you read this. And chances are also that you ll have sat - car crash bystander paralysis rooting you to your seat - through a seemingly endless cavalcade of weeping, arse-kissing, god-thanking and other such celebrity award-getting malarkey.
Yet these days it seems like anyone can get an Oscar - from second assistant to the make-up person to Tom Cruise s Personal Embarrassment Wrangler (whom, after a particularly busy year, may well be seeking a second-in-command of their own).
It s almost as if someone should produce a training video that guides prospective winners through their prospective speeches. And then get Tom Hanks to narrate it.
No - wait. That s exactly what someone should do. Immediately and without question.
And you know what? They have. They really have .
Posted in on March 6th, 2006 |
The reason? Quentin reckons that the whole project was his idea in the first place, and that he suggested it to producers after the screenwriters for The World Is Not Enough and Die Another Day - yes, folks, people actually spent time writing those - admitted to struggling with ideas for a new script.
Apparently the Quentster had also filed a request to direct the picture, insisting that he could go my way and do it a little differently - which presumably means having James Bond waffle out long monologues on comic book characters in a strange, post-modern, only clever and funny about ten years ago sort of way.
Still. Couldn t be worse than Kill Bill 2, could it?
Posted in on January 10th, 2006 |
Will Smith likes a bit of action.
Whether it s shooting aliens in Independence Day, shooting robots in I, Robot or shooting badly-written criminal caricatures in Bad Boys 1 and 2 (when he would have immediately won more audience support by simply turning around and shooting Martin Lawrence), it s fair to say that he s a runny, jumpy, explosion-dodgy, fighty wisecracky kind of guy.
Until now.
Posted in on December 2nd, 2005 |
Sweet baby Jesus.
Anyone out there remember Castlevania - that classic 1980s videogame that (despite your fond memories of it) would probably prove to be a little bit crap if you tried playing it now?
You probably won t be surprised that - what with the Doom/Halo-fuelled resurgence in turning thumb-twiddling console games into big-budget blockbusters - plans are afoot to bring this vampire-killing hokum to the big screen.
Sounds awful, doesn t it?
Sounds absolutely teeth-grindingly cack on every level imaginable, right?
Oh, dear hecklers. You don t know the half of it
Posted in on November 4th, 2005 |
They re rubbish, aren t they?
Wailing spitting little blobs who grow up to be wailing spitting little toddlers. Face facts - babies simply don t do anything.
Try telling that to Julianne Moore, though.
She s got a baby on the way - in fact, she s the last remaining lady on the planet.
In her new film, that is.
See what we did there?
Posted in on November 1st, 2005 |
The richest porker in Hollywood John Travolta was reportedly first choice to be the next tuxedo-clad James Bond. Hmm, a shiny pig wrapped in worsted. Lovely.
John Travolta has not acted in a decent part since Pulp Fiction. This might be down to a lack of good material, or more likely that his comeback-fat-and-loving-it gimmick is now as tired and bloated as he is.
However, this has not stopped James Bond producers allegedly considering him cream of the crop for the role of last century’s favourite superspy.
Posted in on October 25th, 2005 |
Pube-headed professional white boy Justin Timberlake has had his acting debut universally panned by critics.
Timberlake - a man so lacking in personality he could work in Wetherspoons - took on the task of extending his acting talons in Edison, in which he slips not-so-expertly into the shoes of a cub reporter exposing police corruption.
And - according to reports - Justin s primary-school readthrough of a performance is nothing short of rubbish.
Posted in on October 6th, 2005 |
Stop the press - a study has discovered that some movies actually condone sex and drugs.
Yeah, we were shocked too. But Dr Hasantha Gunasekera has proved it in a report for the Journal of the Royal Society Of Medicine.
He puts it to Hollywood that it is being irresponsible in it s portrayal of unprotected sex and drug use. We d agree, but first we must mention to Dr Gunasekera that they re films, you dozy nitwit! They re not even real!
Posted in on October 3rd, 2005 |
There is a film currently in pre-production that has got the attention of the cream of Hollywood. Mel Gibson, John Travolta, Tommy Lee-Jones, Kevin Costner, Catherine Zeta Jones, Reese Witherspoon, Demi Moore, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Simpson, Owen Wilson, Lindsay Lohan and Drew Barrymore are all apparently scrapping it out to prove that they deserve a place in this epic movie.
What could this film be?
A historical blockbuster set in Roman times? A remake of Citizen Kane? Maybe a serious, thought-provoking ensemble drama like Crash?
Wrong wrong wrong. They re all desperate to star in a remake of Dallas. Dallas, for Christ s sake.
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