2007-05-27T19:22:00.000-05:00
.. yeah, he blew me off and I'm pretty pissed at him.
br / br / But of course, nobody's allowed to ruin my birthday except for me, and so it didn't matter at all. I got birthday packages in the mail from my mom and from my dad, and minnie gave me a little present, and so did another friend, and we had thai for dinner and the dance party was incredibly fun. all kinds of people I love showed up and danced.
br / br / I had like eight screwdrivers and was therefore dancing like nobody's business. and the guy I dated in april showed up too. I had invited him, because we've gotten along really well post-breakup, despite him telling me that he basically a href="http://belongevity.
blogspot.com/2007/04/well-alright.html" despises the very basis of my personality /a , and it was really fun and then one of my friends said that he still likes me, which is DUMB, and me being DUMB, I let him kiss me, and he was so drunk he crashed on our floor, and I ended up next to him, which is DUMB.
.. DUMB DUMB DUMB.
.. and he said something about how he "really likes" me.
.. "unfortunately".
.. DUMB DUMB DUMB, especially since he is unaware that he is, as one of my friends put it, "gayer than Christmas".
Anyway, the whole thing was pretty dumb, and I was drunk enough that I just stayed put rather than risk the treachery of climbing into my lofted bed...
and I felt like an idiot asshole in the morning. br / br / I don't do that shit. But apparently I just did.
br / br / In other dumb gossip news, remember Shrieky Fashion Girl? Who was skanking on Pete? Well, she showed up at my dance party (uninvited, but I'm a happy drunk so I didn't mind) to grind on some kid, and later we were drunkenly chatting and she told me that she'd only been messing around with Pete, but he took it as more and was probably sort of hurt when she started running away from him.
.. haha, Pete, how do you like them apples?
How does it feel when people use you? Especially when they're SHRIEKY FASHION GIRLS? Hahahahahaha.
Get a haircut. br / br / So I realize that this post makes me seem like a vapid, gossipy little skeeze. br / br / Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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.. because I'm turning 19!
br / br / we're going to cook dinner at the diversity center -- probably some nice vegetables...
I'm thinking blanched asparagus with almonds, maybe some marinated portobellos...
edamame...
and mojitos and lemon drops. my name-twin will be procuring some vodka and rum. br / br / popsicles.
possibly flourless chocolate cake, but probably just popsicles. br / br / then dance party!!
screwdrivers and grapefruit screwdrivers plus a flawless playlist of dance-inspiring music. br / br / minnie and I cleaned the room and moved shit around to facilitate dancing..
. it's super clean and lovely. br / br / ay-ay-ay!
br / br / ps. remember that wicked sweet renewable $5000 scholarship I won? well, part of what I'm going to spend it on is travel to attend the annual IDRS (double reed) conference.
next summer it's at (yawn) BYU in (double yawn) Provo, Utah...
but in 2009 it's in BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND.
com,1999:blog-3401064437088072082.post-6168260433098659648
024-05:00
There are only two more weeks of classes, plus finals, in the spring term. I went to a wine-tasting last night. I am a strong believer in serial monogamy.
My head hurts, a lot. I have a one-week RA job lined up for the summer. My jury is no longer scheduled for my birthday.
I love jeans that fit me, even if they are size six. I will be nineteen in less than a week. It's very possible that Minnie won't be coming back next year.
I love the West Wing with a scary amount of passion. I am re-reading span style="font-style: italic;" 1984 /span . I cleaned my room today.
I wish my brother would call me, because I've only talked to him once since I left Austin on January 2nd. My dad will arrive to drive me home in three weeks.
000-05:00
And...
in order to do this...
you have to GO HERE. So hopefully that will give her some incentive not to drop out. br / br / 2.
Reading period is over...
it was short and busy. br / br / 3. Last night the four of us grabbed some speakers and iPods and wandered the campus in search of electrical outlets in order to have an outdoors Cinco de Mayo dance party.
First: vodka! Then: ughhh none of the outlets work. Then: we plugged the speakers in just inside the chapel doors and had our dance party on the steps.
It was AWESOME, I'm not going to lie. br / br / 4. Then when we got busted at 2.
30, we went back to the dorm and I had some beer and ended up kissing a guy at like four in the morning. And didn't go to bed until six. Um, so that isn't something I normally do.
Am I becoming that girl? Ughhh! I don't really know much about this guy or what he's looking for.
But in my defense, he had nice skin. Yeah, 'cause that makes me sound like less of a ditz. Okay, you know what -- the real defense -- he smiles JUST LIKE Bradley Whitford (aka Josh) of the West Wing.
THE WEST WING. br / br / 5. Just for old times' sake, I'd like to direct your attention to that video of Christopher Walken dancing to Fatboy Slim's a href="http://www.
youtube.com/watch?v=sMZwZiU0kKs" "Weapon of Choice" /a .
br / br / 6. Have realized that although I originally DID care, I no longer care about ExBoy and Shrieky Fashion Girl. I don't want either of them in my life, but I'm going to be completely civil.
And, I just gave SFG some of my favorite Throat Comfort tea for her po' po' pathetic cold.
com,1999:blog-3401064437088072082.post-5484459916475610633
025-05:00
And she's been talking about it to everyone but me. Let's ignore the issues of trust and comfort for a few moments and instead turn to the issue of IS SHE CRAZY? br / br / Certainly she seems to live in a different reality than most of us.
br / br / I could rant about this for a very long time. I'm really upset. br / br / However, I'm going to take a shower and start talking to people who I think can help me on this.
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Apparently you need a plan. br / br / I was already going to break it off, over the simple matter of There Was No Chemistry. And then he starts telling me what's wrong with my personality.
Apparently I hadn't opened up to him (I did, he just wasn't aware of it because I didn't do the girly cry-and-tell bullshit), and I didn't know what I was looking for (which I made very clear), and I told him too many bad things about myself (which is a common function of depression and low self-esteem, both of which I TOLD HIM ABOUT). br / br / So I listened patiently as he insulted the very tenets of my personality, calmly told him that I wasn't the right person for him, and we parted fairly amiably. I could've torn him a new one for the things he said, but I took it like a man and let it go.
br / br / Of course, now I've spent an entire day worrying about whether I'm frigid and calculating. Am I frigid and calculating? Don't answer that unless your answer is no.
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meager pay editing people's papers!) br / - I was nominated, and applied for, a special scholarship which is essentially a 5K educational grant. Found out today.
.. I got it!
FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS to be spent for educational purposes. I could go to IDRS..
. I could buy lots of oboe tools..
. hell, I could even buy a gouger. And I'd still have money left over.
AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING. br / br / I also have the remnants of a wicked sunburn from last weekend's earth day festivities, which included live music all day and the salsa band live under the tent on Saturday night. I am also still dating that guy and being incredibly busy due to the wicked scheduling that occurs when you take 28 credits, 4 of which require several hours of afternoon/evening rehearsal per week.
Throw in practicing, reedmaking, eating, and sleeping, and that's my life. br / br / [Edit: No longer dating the guy.]
000-05:00
br / br / I was asked today to join another chamber group -- an octet. High-level. Oh my god yes.
This brings my course load up to 29 credits, and gives me a total of nine and a half hours of rehearsals every week. Yikes. Throw in reedmaking, practicing, homework, and (fingers crossed) a boy.
.. busy busy busy!
br / br / AANNNNNNNND br / br / I found out today that I got an RLA job! I'll be residing either here in my current dorm (large freshman music population) or in one of the small houses close by on North Side. And I get to work with my favorite RHD!
And I get a single for the rate of a double. And I get somewhere around $515 per term, which is well below minimum wage but do I care? br / br / New Boy is fun.
So far he's already survived an Attack Of A Rabid And Socially Limited Music Nerd From Second Floor, and a Horribly Stupid Lecture. We're going to another lecture tomorrow evening. He must like me.
Feels nice.
com,1999:blog-3401064437088072082.post-6578860203022925888
456-05:00
br / br / today I had a half-hour individual interview and a two-hour group interview for the RLA job. I think I presented myself accurately and positively, so it's out of my hands now. I'll find out in a little over a week.
br / br / got a lovely care package from my mom today. homemade chex mix!!
one of my favorite childhood books (cheaper by the dozen)!!!
wasabi peas!! br / br / my dad had leg surgery on friday for a soccer injury.
he's recovering quickly. still groggy on the phone..
. and his emails are full of misspellings..
. but he's never been that great of a speller anyway, so I think he's doing well. br / br / SLEEP IS GOOD.
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br / br / So I went over to the Con, moped in the reed room, and then practiced rather constructively for an hour and a half, which cheered me somewhat. I returned to the dorm to find a package waiting for me from my wonderful father: he sent me actual brownie points!!
He always tells me how I can earn brownie points, and I always gripe about never being able to cash my brownie points in for real brownies...
awww! Yes indeed, I love my dad. br / br / (I love my mom too -- she tells me funny stories about the IRS and how she sassed a bunch of people at work.
I guess you have to know her for that to be funny though.) br / br / Here's what else I accomplished today: br / -Gouged and shaped all of the tube cane that I split and planed yesterday br / -Tied five reeds and scraped two br / -Purchased my government textbook br / -Organized and held the first study group for my theory section br / -Registered for a history/gender studies course about women in early America br / -Finished my RLA application br / br / Two weeks ago, I would have spent most of the day crying. I ain't saying I didn't feel pretty miserable this morning, but I am saying I feel more able to push back.
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I haven't noticed any adverse side effects, which is a good sign considering that Zoloft gave me dry mouth and shaky hands within 48 hours. br / br / I can't tell whether it's situational or the medicine or a placebo experience, but I've been doing well for the last week or so. I think I've gone a whole week without crying!
What a goddamn relief. br / br / Spring term has begun -- instead of freshman studies, I'm taking a 9.00 (110 min) intro to PoliSci T/R, and trying to elbow my way into the 11.
10 MWF Biological Anthropology. Quintet #2 is still incomplete -- we need a French horn player. Until we find one, we'll be a wussy fetal quintet.
br / br / Fetal quintet. br / Feral quintet. br / br / Roaming the streets, getting into fights.
.. br / br / Ah, the life of a classical musician.
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I've been all over the country! And by all over the country I mean I dipped into northern Illinois and southern Wisconsin on a boring tour with my college's Wind Ensemble, and made a trip down to Madison with Billy to visit our respective friends in the Madtown area. br / br / Conclusions: br / 1.
As far as I know, there is no reason for Lake County, IL to exist -- or rather, for us to visit and play concerts there. br / 2. College band tours suck.
Very little sleep, too much time spent backstage or on buses. Unappreciative audiences. I didn't bust my ass and my reeds for a bunch of brats in Milwaukee to talk through our concert.
But that's what happened. br / 3. No discernible side effects from my new medicinal friend.
I spent about six months on Zoloft at the end of my eighth grade year, and it gave me dry-mouth and shaky hands (Zoloft -- the Anti-Oboe Drug!) the entire time. So far, Lexapro [Luthor] seems to be harmless.
br / 4. Madison is an alright place to be. The UW campus is nice (although the music building is wretched) and State Street is cool.
I've heard that Madison is "the Austin of the Midwest". So..
. Austin, with evil winter. And without Mexican food.
Madtown's cool, but Austin is still my favorite. Had a Nepalese lunch and roamed State Street with Viola, accidentally purchasing two skirts along the way. Whoops.
br / br / Crashin' time! br / br / Love schmisses, br / C. br / br / PS.
Hey, so apparently after the Most Unpleasant College Term Ever (and yes, that's only out of two terms, so I'm aware of the statistical inaccuracy), my GPA only dropped from a 3.921 to a 3.820.
Being a music major is SO FUCKING EASY.
com,1999:blog-3401064437088072082.post-8026678538534227016
101-05:00
com/_vKVrU2XFMm4/ReSdUxx9GbI/AAAAAAAAACE/vnX9wCWCRTA/s1600-h/snowtree.JPG" img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 302px; height: 383px;" src="http://bp2.blogger.
com/_vKVrU2XFMm4/ReSdUxx9GbI/AAAAAAAAACE/vnX9wCWCRTA/s400/snowtree.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5036323263592864178" border="0" / /a I'm feeling marked improvement in my reedmaking skill and general playing ability. I wish I could say the same for my mood.
br / br / Most of the time I'm just irritable. I have trouble distinguishing between rational irritation and irrational grouchiness. And most of the time, the irritation leads directly to what might be referred to as "depressive episodes" if your name is Therapist George (who I am seeing again tomorrow).
br / br / Ex. A: On Friday, Billy promised we'd drive somewhere over the weekend to get a birthday present for Minnie. Blew me off on Saturday, blew me off on Sunday, then Monday blamed it on me.
So I walked a mile through snow and slush to get a birthday present for a girl who owes me $100 and whose procrastination and inconsiderate behavior cost me at least seven hours of sleep every week. br / br / I'm pretty sure there's several reasons to be irritated there, but Billy and Minnie are also people who I care deeply about and can't afford to be angry at. I have so few friends.
Self-Righteous Indignation doesn't stand a chance against Low Self-Esteem and Helpless Hopelessness, so I generally end up crying. br / br / So I'm having these breakdowns once or twice every day now.
000-06:00
Put it on and you can stand in a dim room with your eyes close and hug yourself and feel alright. br / br / There's this beautiful girl I always see at parties, and maybe she's stoned but she just dances with her eyes closed. She's not trying to be sexy or cute, she just feels the music and smiles.
She's No. 2 on my list of campus girls I'd go gay for. She's quite good-looking, but there's something about her poise and confidence that just makes me a little weak.
br / br / Counselor George asked me why my friends like me. Of course you know that's just a poorly-disguised way of asking what I like about myself. br / br / So Counselor George asked me why my friends like me, and I started crying.
I don't know why my friends like me, and I often doubt that they do. I'm not too sure what I like about myself. So I'm trying to maybe start keeping track of what makes me happy and maybe I'll find out things I like about myself.
br / br / br / What I have enjoyed lately: br / -gala apples br / -good reeds br / -sightreading hard etudes! br / -lunch with my friend from freshman studies br / -hanging out at the radio station with Billy and Thom br / -chatting in the lounge with Billy br / -"Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games" by Of Montreal br / -my book ( span style="font-style: italic;" The Blind Assassin /span by Margaret Atwood) br / -when people hug me. br / br / The weather's been gross though.
We've gotten insane amounts of snow over the last week. At the warmest part of the day, the temperature almost gets up to 32F, so we also have a fair amount of slush (and it is therefore impossible to keep your socks dry). Now we're experiencing all different variations of semi-frozen precipitation: tiny hail, freezing rain, sort of frozen rain, sleet, rain and snow, falling slush.
.. yes indeed, it's been a soggy week.
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br / br / I HATE THAT HE IS RIGHT. br / br / Friday morning I will go. I will probably walk out with a prescription for a drug that I despise.
Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Prozac -- one of the many drugs that has never helped my mother. I will walk out with a prescription and I will write a check and then I will talk to my parents about paying for my drugs. Our insurance covers it, but won't claim it because I don't want it on my record.
br / br / Won't be a big step to talk to my Dad. He's probably been expecting it anyway, because he knows that I've been in counseling. br / br / Will be big step talking to my Mom.
Big Big Big. br / br / Here are some psychobabble words that I am thinking about: br / Self-Talk. br / The Filter.
br / Cycle. br / Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. br / Baseline.
br / Self-Worth. br / br / Self self self self self self self. br / br / AGITATION.
br / br / I wonder if I can be of any use to psych majors. Apparently I exhibit textbook symptoms.
000-06:00
. br / br / ..
.which I want to be my college nickname. br / br / The Immobilizer.
br / br / I know, it's pretty badass, right? br / br / br / Speaking of badass, I took my badass self over to Counseling Services this morning for my appointment. I was really nervous, guys.
In the eighth grade when my parents freaked out about my depression, they made an appointment with a pediatrician at my doctor's office...
and so some lady that I'd never met before listened to me for thirty minutes and then put me on Zoloft. Then I had little try-outs with a bunch of creepy shrinks who asked dumb questions and ended up making weekly visits to a nice auntie-type who didn't ever make me talk about my emotions. br / br / Clearly I wasn't expecting a repeat of my eighth-grade experience.
But I was nervous anyway. br / br / The guy -- let's call him George -- was nice. Early forties, good head of hair, relatively low proportion of meaningless psychiatrist questions.
br / br / George seemed to really respect me. I make a lot of self-deprecating jokes, and he was smart enough (thank GOD) not to start prodding me about self-esteem. He got a kick out of some of the things I wrote on my intake form (Ethnicity: Pasty) and complimented me on my ability to understand myself.
br / br / Woohoo. I understand myself. br / br / I guess we waded through the basic Parental Issues today.
Which I suppose was the necessary background for him to understand what I i don't /i want to be. So I said next time I want to talk about positive strategies and whatnot. Hey, that's good, right?
Positive. br / br / Roomie's on the phone -- land line, 'cause she doesn't have a cell phone. I mean, I know she's got nowhere else to talk on the phone, but it basically means that (since the lounge is full of dumb scream-and-giggle freshman girls) if I want to get any work done, I have to get all bundled up and go somewhere else.
Urg.
com,1999:blog-3401064437088072082.
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